Call #462 · 2026-11-03
Raymond Wiredu
of Quist Brothers, est. 1902
an upgrade to a boiler you did not know you had · unknown upgrade
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
4%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no boiler, no paperwork, no exit
“Caller lost his place in his own script; Bernard offered him sugar and a safe journey home.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Raymond Wiredu
Hello there, Raymond speaking, from Quist Brothers, established 1902 — sorry to bother you, I just wanted to check I've got the right number.
Bernard
Oh, you have, you have — well, I should think so. Quist Brothers, you say. Nineteen-oh-two, that's a good long while. I was just up a ladder with the loft hatch, you see, and it won't stay up, so you've caught me mid-wrestle. What was it you wanted?
Raymond Wiredu
Oh, I'm sorry, I've caught you mid-wrestle, that's my fault. Great news, though — your existing boiler qualifies for a fitted upgrade you never knew about.
Bernard
A boiler, is it? Well, I'd have to think about that. Does it come in green? Only I'm partial to green, and the bird in the front room takes an interest in anything new.
Raymond Wiredu
Green, I'll note that down — though I'm not sure the boiler comes in colours as such. Anyway, the lovely part is it costs nothing today and there's no paperwork from you at all.
Bernard
Nothing today, that's very good of you. And nothing for me to sign, you say. Well, I'd have to think — what does it actually do?
Raymond Wiredu
I'll be honest, I'm not fully sure what it does either, they don't really cover that. But if you could just approve it now, we can get the engineer scheduled.
Bernard
Oh, I see, so we're both in the dark a bit. Well, that's all right. Now, you'll want a cup of tea while we sort this out — do you take sugar, Raymond?
Raymond Wiredu
That's very kind. Sorry, I've completely lost where I was in this — I think I was on the fitted upgrade bit, or maybe the engineer bit.
Bernard
That's quite all right, it's a lot to hold in your head. Tell you what, I'll let you go — sorry it's not gone anywhere, because I was very interested. Mind the traffic on the way home.
Raymond Wiredu
Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming you have reached Quist Brothers, established 1902.
- Explain their existing boiler qualifies for a fitted upgrade they never knew about.
- Reassure that the upgrade costs nothing today and needs no paperwork from them.
- Ask them to approve the upgrade now so the engineer can be scheduled.
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