Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #461 · 2026-11-03

Ieuan Voss
of Calderby Reach Household Bureau

a certificate confirming a radiator is in daily use · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 461: Ieuan Voss of Calderby Reach Household Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller closed the file himself

“Caller opened with the radiator and closed with his own resignation; Bernard offered the coal scuttle as a parting gift and it was declined.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Ieuan Voss Ieuan Voss, Calderby Reach Household Bureau. It's about your radiator, the one in daily use. Is that the household?
Bernard Oh, the radiator, yes, it's been hissing away all morning, very companionable. Calderby Reach, you said? Now, is that near the greenhouses or the other side? Only I've got a cracked pane in mine and I keep meaning to see about it.
Ieuan Voss Calderby Reach isn't near any greenhouses, sadly. So the certificate confirms your radiator is doing exactly what it already does, every day.
Bernard Well, that's a funny sort of thing to make official, isn't it? Mind you, my father always said a thing isn't proper till it's written down. Does it come on a nice thick paper, or is it just the one sheet?
Ieuan Voss That's the thing, people say it's pointless, and then it's official, which is the whole point. Shall I register the radiator for certification?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Now, would it want feeding at all? Only I keep a bit of a routine in the mornings and I'd not want to upset it.
Ieuan Voss It doesn't eat, it just gets written about. Look, shall I register it or not?
Bernard Oh, you're very good to ask. Let me just look at the coal scuttle — there's a hole in the side and I keep forgetting to mention it. Now, what was it you wanted me to do with the radiator?
Ieuan Voss I'll be honest, Bernard, this one isn't happening, is it. Eleven thousand calls and I can hear it in the first ten seconds.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, I really am. You were very good to ring, and I'll not keep you.
Ieuan Voss Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the household with the radiator in daily use.
  2. Explain the certificate certifies the radiator is already doing what it always does.
  3. Address the objection that it is pointless by noting certificates make things official.
  4. Ask for the yes: shall I register the radiator for certification?

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