Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #460 · 2026-11-03

Alan Yelland
of Fenwick Ghyll Group Holdings

a replacement for a porch that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 460: Alan Yelland of Fenwick Ghyll Group Holdings, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no survey, no porch required

“Bernard asked whether the survey needed him in or whether the caller could get round the side; the caller went round the side permanently.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Alan Yelland Alan Yelland here, Fenwick Ghyll Group Holdings. I'm ringing about your porch, Bernard, because we're replacing it.
Bernard Oh, is it raining where you are? Only I've had the garden gate sticking again and I can't tell if it's the damp or just its mood. Sorry — the porch, you said. That's very good of you. Now what was it you were replacing?
Alan Yelland The damp won't touch a porch programme, Bernard. Fenwick Ghyll's replacement scheme is open to every qualifying property, and yours qualifies on the postcode alone.
Bernard On the postcode alone, is it? Well, that's very thorough of you. And would I have to do anything, or does it just happen? Only I like to know whether to put the kettle on for people.
Alan Yelland Nothing happens without you, Bernard, don't worry. Now, your porch is in lovely nick, honestly, which is exactly why it meets our portfolio standards.
Bernard In lovely nick, yes, that's what the man said when he did the windows. So if it's in lovely nick, why — sorry, you'll have to say that standards bit again. The line went a bit swimmy.
Alan Yelland No trouble at all, Bernard, it comes down to what the portfolio expects. So I'll pencil in the survey and take that as your approval, yes?
Bernard By all means, I'm very interested. Only what is it you'd actually be surveying — the porch itself, or the bit round it? There's a step there that's been the same since I moved in.
Alan Yelland The survey covers the whole thing, Bernard, step included. You're clearly a careful sort, which is why I know this is an easy yes.
Bernard An easy yes, well. I'd have to think about it, and I'm not much good at thinking before eleven. Oh — I meant to ask, does the survey need me to be in, or can you get round the side?
Alan Yelland I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and Fenwick Ghyll Group Holdings, mention the porch.
  2. Explain the porch replacement programme is available to all qualifying properties.
  3. Address that the porch is fine by praising its condition, then cite portfolio standards.
  4. Ask for approval to schedule the survey and confirm the yes.

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