Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #46 · 2026-10-20

Colin Mabbs
of Thursby Lound Domestic Reassurances

a yearly inspection of your loft hatch · home maintenance

18
Minutes on the line
71%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictpencilled in, not pressed, never inspected

“Caller offered a certificate; customer cited prior certificate chewed by parrot, will keep new one on fridge.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Colin Mabbs Good evening there, I'm Colin Mabbs from Thursby Lound Domestic Reassurances, and I'm calling to confirm I've reached the owner of the loft hatch. Is that yourself, sir?
Bernard Oh, hello there — yes, that's me, Bernard Pottle, and the loft hatch is mine all right, up there above the landing. Mind you, I've never thought of myself as an owner of it, more of a custodian. Is this about the insurance, or the parrot?
Colin Mabbs Ha, no parrot and no insurance, Mr Pottle, nothing to worry about there. I just need to ask — has that hatch of yours ever been inspected by a stranger?
Bernard Oh — well, now, there was a chap once, years back, came to look at the meter. He didn't go up, mind, just stood and looked. Does that count? My left ear's a bit funny, so say again — inspected by a what?
Colin Mabbs A stranger, sir — inspected by a stranger, and standing and looking does count, funnily enough. The annual visit itself is very simple: my colleague just looks up at it briefly, that's the entire inspection.
Bernard Looks up at it briefly — well, that sounds very manageable, doesn't it. I do that myself most Sundays, if I'm passing. And would your colleague want a cup of tea while he's looking up? Only it's no trouble, I've got the kettle on anyway.
Colin Mabbs That's very kind, but there's no need for a kettle on our account — and I should reassure you, Mr Pottle, no ladder will be climbed at any point. Not one rung, I promise you.
Bernard No ladder at all? Well, that's a relief — my knees aren't what they were, and Mavis doesn't like ladders, she shouts at them. She's the parrot. So does he bring a little stool, or does he just... look from down here?
Colin Mabbs Just looks from down here, no stool either, nothing to climb on whatsoever. Now then, I'll be quick — October slots fill up fast, so I'd want to get you pencilled in sooner rather than later.
Bernard October, you say. Oh — well — I'd have to think about it. That's usually when I do the gutters, or is it the shed I do in October? It's the shed I paint in October. Anyway, pencil me in, that's fine, but don't press too hard.
Colin Mabbs Pencilled, not pressed, sir, understood. So what I'd like to offer is to post you a certificate confirming the hatch was looked at — would that be all right with you?
Bernard Oh, a certificate! I do like a certificate — I've got one for the water heater somewhere, and one from the flower show. Would it have my name on it? Only Mavis chewed the corner of the last one, so I'd keep this one on the fridge.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the loft hatch owner.
  2. Ask whether the hatch has ever been inspected by a stranger.
  3. Explain the annual visit involves looking up at it briefly.
  4. Reassure that no ladder will be climbed at any point.
  5. Warn that October slots fill up fast, vaguely.
  6. Offer to post a certificate confirming it was looked at.

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