Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #45 · 2026-10-20

Gareth Pellum
of Sanderby Hatch Domestic Continuities

a chimney sweep for an electric fireplace · routine maintenance

24
Minutes on the line
11%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictsale of nothing pending; Thursday held, tea offered

“Caller confirmed absence of chimney, absence of fire, and absence of soot; customer asked whether the brush needs feeding and whether it comes in green.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gareth Pellum Good afternoon, this is Gareth Pellum from Sanderby Hatch Domestic Continuities. Quick one to start — can you confirm the house has no chimney at all?
Bernard Oh — well, now, that's right as it happens, no chimney at all. The fireplace's electric, you see. I used to have a proper one, or was it my sister's? No, mine — anyway, that's gone now. Are you keeping well out there?
Gareth Pellum Very well, thank you, keeping busy. So with no chimney on the property, the quarterly sweep is still scheduled as normal — it's a routine visit, same as anyone else's, and it doesn't cost you a penny in imaginary money to have the slot held.
Bernard Quarterly, is it? Well, I'd have to think about it — that's very good of you. Now, would the sweep mind Mavis? She's my parrot, and she gets chatty when strangers come. Mind the step on your way in, it's a bit mossy.
Gareth Pellum A parrot's no trouble at all. Now, the brush itself is specially designed for no soot whatsoever — which is ideal here, since there's none to brush.
Bernard Specially designed, you say. That's clever. Does it come in green? Only my kettle's green, and I do like things to match — silly, I know. And does the brush need feeding, or is it more of a self-sufficient sort?
Gareth Pellum Green's a lovely choice, though I couldn't promise it. Look, the important thing is the discount — book the full annual absence of flues and you'll get a reduced quarterly rate, all imaginary, of course.
Bernard The full annual absence — that's a mouthful, isn't it. Well, I'm very interested, I am. Now, would that be the Monday lot or the Thursday lot? Only Thursday's when I do the garden, and I'd hate to miss them.
Gareth Pellum Thursday's fine, I'll put you down for Thursday. But honestly, just to confirm — has anyone ever lit an actual fire in that room? I have to ask, it's on my sheet.
Bernard Oh — well — now let me think. My nephew lit a candle once, does that count? No, it was my birthday, and it was in the kitchen. Honestly, nobody's lit a fire in there. Unless you count the telly getting warm.
Gareth Pellum No fire, lovely, that's what I need. And with that confirmed, I can promise you a certificate of a perfectly clean nothing — signed, dated, and entirely accurate. Shall I book Thursday?
Bernard A certificate, is it? I do like a certificate — I've got one somewhere from the flower show, or was that my sister's? Anyway, yes, Thursday sounds lovely. And you'll take a cup of tea while you're here?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming the household does not have a chimney.
  2. Explain that the sweep is nonetheless scheduled quarterly.
  3. Describe the brush as specially designed for no soot whatsoever.
  4. Offer a discount for booking the full annual absence of flues.
  5. Ask if anyone has ever lit a fire in the room, honestly.
  6. Close by promising a certificate of a perfectly clean nothing.

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