Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #457 · 2026-11-03

Colin Thripp
of Nethercott Household Bureau

a membership with no newsletters and no refunds · membership

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 457: Colin Thripp of Nethercott Household Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no refunds, no paperwork, no return

“Bernard asked what he would be saying yes to; the caller conceded there was no paperwork, then rang off promising another day.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Colin Thripp Hello, sorry to bother you, this is Colin Thripp calling from the Nethercott Household Bureau, and I'm ringing about a membership you may not have heard of.
Bernard Well, you've caught me in the middle of something — I was just seeing to the back step, it's lower than it looks, caught me out twice now. But never mind that, carry on. Nethercott, you said?
Colin Thripp Sorry to interrupt your step, that's my fault. Yes, Nethercott — so the membership itself confers nothing at all, but it carries considerable local prestige, which the bureau considers the main thing.
Bernard Nothing at all, you say? Well, that's a refreshing change, most of them offer you so much you don't know where to put it. And prestige, now — would that be the sort of prestige the neighbours notice, or more of a quiet one?
Colin Thripp I'm glad you like that — frankly the nothing is the part we're proudest of, it shows real restraint. Is that all right? Sorry, I'm meant to be asking for the yes round about now.
Bernard Oh, you're doing very well, don't fret. Yes — well, I'd have to think about it, only I'm not quite sure what I'd be thinking about, if you follow me. What is it I'd be saying yes to, exactly?
Colin Thripp That's fair, and honestly I should have led with it. So — could I put you down for the yes, just to confirm, and I should mention there are no refunds on this at all.
Bernard No refunds, right, right. And I'd be down for the — for the thing with nothing in it. Put me down, then. Well. I mean, I'd want to look at the paperwork first, only there isn't any paperwork, is there.
Colin Thripp No, there's really no paperwork, which is half our problem. Look — can I be straight with you?
Bernard Of course you can, I'd much rather that. Go on, straight is best.
Colin Thripp I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as calling from the Nethercott Household Bureau.
  2. Explain the membership confers nothing but carries considerable local prestige.
  3. Address the objection that nothing is included by praising that very restraint.
  4. Ask for the yes and note there are no refunds.

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