Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #453 · 2026-11-03

Niamh Iyer
of The National Council of Back Step Assessors

a seasonal boiler noise reports subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
41%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 453: Niamh Iyer of The National Council of Back Step Assessors, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller exited via post

“Caller promised paperwork to a man who wanted to know if the reports come in green; Bernard thanked him for giving up and told him to mind the traffic.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Niamh Iyer Good afternoon, it's Niamh Iyer at the National Council of Back Step Assessors, and I'm ringing because your seasonal boiler noise reports are overdue a proper look on our books. Would you give me your name so I can pull you up?
Bernard Oh, hello there. Bernard Pottle, that's me — Pottle with an O, like the thing you make tea in, though I've gone and forgotten what I was doing. The wireless was on about hedgerows and now it's all shifted. What was the Council of Back Step Assessors, again?
Niamh Iyer Bernard, lovely to put a voice to the name. We're the people who keep an eye on back step assessment standards, and your seasonal boiler noise reports simply arrive each season without you lifting a single finger.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. And it's the boiler making the noise, is it, or the back step? Only there's a bucket under the shed roof and I never know if it's the roof or something else grumbling.
Niamh Iyer I'll be quick, Bernard, because I know your time matters. Now, people often think noise reports sound like an unnecessary bother, but that's exactly the beauty of it, the quiet efficiency of the whole arrangement.
Bernard Quiet efficiency, yes, I like that. My late wife would have said the same about the gutter above the back door — never a sound out of it till it rains. So do these reports come by post, or does a person bring them?
Niamh Iyer Then say yes to the subscription and let the renewal roll on by itself, Bernard.
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it — I'm very interested, mind. But does it come in green? Only I'm partial to green, and the coal scuttle's got a hole in the side and I'm wondering if it'd mind sitting next to it.
Niamh Iyer You know what, Bernard, I'll put all of this in writing and send it along so you can look it over in your own time at your kitchen table.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear you're giving up on me. I was very interested, truly, so thank you for ringing — you mind the traffic on your way home now.
Niamh Iyer I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by greeting them and stating you are from the National Council of Back Step Assessors.
  2. Explain their seasonal boiler noise reports arrive each season without them lifting a finger.
  3. Pre-empt the objection that noise reports sound unnecessary by praising their quiet efficiency.
  4. Ask them to confirm the subscription and its automatic renewal today.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →