Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #451 · 2026-11-03

Malcolm Eriksen
of Netherby Threshold Bureau

a certificate confirming a loft ladder is free of loft dust · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no loft, caller blamed the line

“Caller cited poor line and lousy hour; Bernard had offered to think about it and asked whether the certificate suited a bungalow.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Malcolm Eriksen Hello, Malcolm Eriksen here from the Netherby Threshold Bureau, just confirming I've reached the household with the loft ladder.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Now, is that the front door or the back door you're at? Only I've got both and I'd hate to have you standing at the wrong one in this weather.
Malcolm Eriksen Ah, no, I'm not at any door, it's a telephone call. Right, so on to the certificate itself, which confirms your loft ladder is free of loft dust.
Bernard Free of loft dust, you say. Well, I'm very interested. Is it the sort of certificate you'd frame, or more of a thing for the drawer?
Malcolm Eriksen Policy fourteen-B covers storage, so that's a drawer matter. Now, you might say you can plainly see the ladder's clear already — and that's a fair point, but the certificate is the proof.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. And who does the seeing, if you don't mind my asking? Because I had a look up there and I couldn't make out a thing without my glasses.
Malcolm Eriksen That would be our assessor, under policy nine-C, though I appreciate the ladder's clear regardless. So would you like the certificate issued today?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Would it be all right in a bungalow, do you think? Only I'm not sure we've got a loft as such, more a sort of ceiling.
Malcolm Eriksen Honestly, the line's been poor and the hour's lousy, so I think we've got nowhere much here. I'll leave it there.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, I was very interested, truly. Mind how you go now.
Malcolm Eriksen I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the household with the loft ladder.
  2. Explain the certificate confirms the ladder is free of loft dust.
  3. Address the objection that they can see the ladder is already dust-free.
  4. Ask whether they would like the certificate issued today.

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