Call #450 · on the line
Ingrid Meek
of Barrowmere Holdings
an upgrade to a porch you did not know you had · unknown upgrade
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Ingrid Meek
Ingrid Meek, Barrowmere Holdings. There's a porch on your deeds that you didn't know about, and today's the day we upgrade it.
Bernard
Well, I'd have to think about that, only I was just thinking about something else entirely — you'll have to start again. Barrowmere, did you say? That's near the coast, isn't it? Anyway, yes, go on.
Ingrid Meek
Barrowmere Holdings, that's right, and I'll be quick, Bernard. That porch on your property comes with an upgrade we can put through today.
Bernard
Oh, that's very good of you. Only I've had this house forty years and I've never once seen a porch on it — would it be round the back, do you think, where the light's poor? Hang on, let me look out at the garden.
Ingrid Meek
Bernard, of course you haven't seen it, most people don't, it's on the record rather than in the garden. That's exactly why I'm calling you and not someone else.
Bernard
On the record, I see. Well, now, what does this porch actually do? Does it want feeding, or is it more of a sitting-out thing? And would it come in green at all?
Ingrid Meek
Bernard, the porch is a sitting-out thing, and no feeding required. So can I put you down as a yes today?
Bernard
Well, I'm very interested, now what was it again? Sorry, that's my left ear, it wanders off. Hold on a moment, I've a key here that sticks in the lock — I'll just wiggle it and be right back.
Ingrid Meek
Bernard, it's the porch on your property, and I just need a yes from you today.
Bernard
Oh, I'm sorry to hear it's come to that — I was very interested, truly I was. You take care getting home now, mind the traffic.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming Ingrid Meek speaking for Barrowmere Holdings.
- Reveal the porch on their deeds and describe the upgrade to it.
- Address the objection that they never knew they owned a porch.
- Ask for the yes to authorise the upgrade today.