Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #448 · 2026-11-02

Morag Harkness
of Cranbourne Fen Threshold Bureau

a membership with no benefits and no meetings · membership

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
6%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 448: Morag Harkness of Cranbourne Fen Threshold Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller self-terminated

“Bernard asked whether the membership needed feeding and where the standing would go; Morag clarified it was not a thing you'd put anywhere, then closed the file herself.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Morag Harkness Good afternoon, Morag Harkness here, from the Cranbourne Fen Threshold Bureau — and I'm ringing on behalf of the whole team to talk you through our membership.
Bernard Oh, is it raining where you are? Because it's turned quite grey here — I was just looking out at the garden. Sorry, go on, the Cranbourne Fen what was it?
Morag Harkness Grey here as well. What you'd be joining confers nothing, meets never, and carries on regardless.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. Confers nothing — does it need feeding at all? Only I've got a bird in the front room and he's fussy about new things.
Morag Harkness Nothing to look after, nothing to keep going. It's the standing it gives you that people notice — that's the part the team down here keeps coming back to.
Bernard Standing, right, I see. And would that be the sort of standing you'd put by the pantry, or does it hang on the wall? I'd have to think about it, mind.
Morag Harkness Neither, really — it's not a thing you'd put anywhere. Now, just to confirm, would you like us to enrol you in the benefitless membership today?
Bernard Oh, you're very good. Tell you what, the pantry shelf's got a tin on it nobody's opened since I can't remember when, so I'm in the mood for a bit of something new. What was the name of it again?
Morag Harkness Cranbourne Fen. Enrolling you takes no time at all, if you'll have it.
Bernard Cranbourne Fen — and is that Fen as in the little lane near the postbox? Sorry, I'm a bit slow with names. Yes, I'm very interested, now what was it you said it does?
Morag Harkness Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by identifying yourself and the Cranbourne Fen Threshold Bureau.
  2. Describe the membership as conferring nothing, meeting never, and enduring regardless.
  3. Address the objection that nothing is received by stressing the prestige it confers.
  4. Ask for the yes: enrol them in the benefitless membership today.

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