Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #447 · 2026-11-02

Neil Quigley
of Lomax Draincare

a bundle of a pantry shelf and a bag of gravel · bundle

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
21%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 447: Neil Quigley of Lomax Draincare, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, interested, wasp uncontacted

“Bernard offered 'very interested' and referred the decision to an aunt who hosts Christmas; the caller closed on the wasp's behalf.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Neil Quigley Evening. Neil Quigley, Lomax Draincare. I'm calling about a pantry shelf and a bag of gravel, which is a sentence I have now said eleven thousand times.
Bernard Evening to you. Well, that's a mouthful for this hour, isn't it. Now, pantry shelf and a bag of... gravel, was it? You'll have to say that last bit again, my left side's a bit of a nuisance in the evenings.
Neil Quigley Gravel, yes. Shelf and gravel, sold as a pair, one of each — that's the arrangement. It's not two things, it's one thing you buy in two parts.
Bernard One thing in two parts, I see. Like a bed and a... no, that doesn't work. Now then, would a bag of gravel sit nicely on the shelf, or is that not the idea at all?
Neil Quigley That's exactly the idea. They're unrelated at a glance, sure, but they're meant to go together — the shelf holds things, the gravel is a thing. So, the bundled shelf-and-gravel arrangement, today, can I put you down for a yes?
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. I'd have to think about it — I'm not one to rush a thing like this. A wasp's got into the kitchen window and I've been watching him try to get out for the best part of an hour.
Neil Quigley Honestly, the wasp's got the better evening going. Look — shelf, gravel, bundled, that's the whole pitch. Yes or no, and I'll let you get back to him.
Bernard Oh, I couldn't say no to a fellow who's had a long day. Put me down as interested, very interested. Though mind you, my aunt's the one who always hosts Christmas, not me, so I'd have to check with her.
Neil Quigley Interested's not a yes, Bernard, and I've been at this since eight. This one's not happening, is it.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, I really am, because I was very interested. You get yourself home now, and mind the traffic.
Neil Quigley Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by introducing yourself and Lomax Draincare, then ask who you're speaking to.
  2. Explain the arrangement: one pantry shelf, one bag of gravel, sold as a pair.
  3. Address the objection: they are unrelated objects, so say they are meant to go together.
  4. Ask for the yes on the bundled shelf-and-gravel arrangement, today.

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