Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #446 · 2026-11-02

Jean Pettigrew
of Sithole Interior Ltd

a certificate confirming the meter cupboard is still where you left it · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 446: Jean Pettigrew of Sithole Interior Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew on grounds of husbandry

“Bernard asked whether the certificate would need feeding; Jean Pettigrew said he would send it in the post instead and hung up.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Jean Pettigrew Oh, hello, sorry to bother you — my name's Jean Pettigrew, I'm ringing from Sithole Interior Ltd, and I just need to check I've got the person who owns the meter cupboard?
Bernard Well, I've put my glasses down somewhere, so you'll have to bear with me. Say the first bit again — the cupboard, is it? Oh, I've got one of those, yes, out in the hall.
Jean Pettigrew Oh, that's a relief, thank you. So the certificate's simply to verify that the cupboard is still exactly where it was.
Bernard Still where it was — that's a comfort, isn't it. Well, I haven't moved it, and I don't expect to. Mind you, the loft hatch won't stay up, so things do shift about in this house.
Jean Pettigrew Ha, no, I'm sure it's fine. I know you know where it is, but the whole point is having it on official certification, isn't it, so it's properly written down.
Bernard Oh, official, right you are. Written down and everything. Would that be a certificate for the wall, like, or more of a folded thing for a drawer?
Jean Pettigrew Folded, I think — sorry, I should know that. Anyway, shall we get the certificate posted out to you today?
Bernard Today, is it? Well, that's very good of you, very good. Have you had your dinner yet? Only it's a long way round here, and the traffic's awful past the corner.
Jean Pettigrew Oh, not to worry — but look, I'd better just get the details down before I lose my place. Shall we get the certificate posted out to you today?
Bernard Yes, put me down, put me down. Now — would it need feeding, this certificate? Only I'm not much good with things that need looking after.
Jean Pettigrew I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you are speaking to the person who owns the meter cupboard.
  2. Explain the certificate confirms the cupboard is still exactly where it was.
  3. Address the objection that they already know where it is by stressing official proof.
  4. Ask for the yes: shall we post the certificate out today?

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