Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #444 · 2026-11-02

Terence Petley
of Jankowski, Tetley and Bellhouse Guttering Partnership

an annual inspection of the meter cupboard you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no cupboard, caller hung up on a working line

“Caller declined to speculate on the bird and blamed the line; Bernard referred to the firm's own script as the phone book.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Terence Petley Hello, this is Terence Petley of Jankowski, Tetley and Bellhouse Guttering Partnership, and I'm ringing to ask whether you know the location of your meter cupboard.
Bernard Oh, hello there. I don't get many calls, so take your time. Meter cupboard, you say — I'm not sure I've ever laid eyes on it, truth be told. Is it the sort of thing that hides itself away in a corner?
Terence Petley That's quite all right, sir. Under policy forty-two, section B, the annual inspection covers a cupboard you have never made use of, so not having laid eyes on it is actually par for the course.
Bernard Policy forty-two, is it. Well, there's a number. And what is it that gets inspected, exactly — do they open it up and have a look inside, or is it more a case of standing in front of it and nodding?
Terence Petley It's a thorough inspection, sir, not a nod — though I should say the presence of the cupboard itself is not required, as I've noted on the sheet. So we can inspect regardless of whether you can find it.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you, that is. Inspecting something that isn't there — now that's the sort of can-do attitude you don't hear much anymore. And it wouldn't upset the bird, would it, all that coming and going?
Terence Petley I'm afraid there's no bird on my printout, sir, and I'd rather not speculate. What I can do is confirm this year's inspection of the missing cupboard — may I put you down for a yes?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, mind. Oh — hold on, I've got the phone book here with the corner folded down, there was something I meant to look up. What was the name of your firm again?
Terence Petley Jankowski, Tetley and Bellhouse Guttering Partnership — and the sheet says I'm to book the inspection, not the lookup, sir. It's a simple yes to this year's inspection.
Bernard Right you are. Now I'm very interested, truly, but the cupboard's the difficulty — I've never found it.
Terence Petley I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking whether they know the location of their meter cupboard.
  2. Explain the annual inspection covers a cupboard they have never used.
  3. Address that they cannot find it by offering to inspect regardless.
  4. Ask for the yes to book this year's inspection of the missing cupboard.

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