Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #442 · 2026-11-02

Fiona Tallentire
of Pickles and Daughter, est. 1899

a twice-yearly greenhouse condensation subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the subscription needed feeding and whether the visitor takes tea; the caller did not know about the tea, and the file does not record a yes.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Fiona Tallentire Hello, sorry to bother you, Fiona Tallentire, Pickles and Daughter, est. 1899. It's about your greenhouse condensation.
Bernard Oh, well now, that's very good of you to ring. No gutters in it at all, then? Only I've been meaning to see to the hedge, and I've got a letter about it somewhere I keep forgetting to open.
Fiona Tallentire Sorry, there aren't any gutters involved, that's not us. So the visit is twice a year, and the subscription just renews itself automatically — is that alright?
Bernard Twice a year, you say. Well, that sounds very reasonable. Does it need to be fed, this subscription, or does it just carry on by itself like the hedge?
Fiona Tallentire No, nothing to top up, it just renews on its own. And ordinary condensation gets seen to without you lifting a finger — can I put you down as a yes?
Bernard Oh, well, I'd have to think about it. Now, would they mind the bird at all? Only she's in the front room and she does like to have a say in who comes visiting.
Fiona Tallentire The bird's no trouble at all, honestly. So, just to confirm, can I start the twice-yearly self-renewing subscription for you?
Bernard That's very good of you, really it is. May I ask, does the person coming round take a cup of tea, or is that against the rules?
Fiona Tallentire I don't actually know about the tea, sorry, no one's told me that bit. Could I just get a yes on the subscription to start us off?
Bernard Well, I'm very interested, I am. Now, hang on, I've a letter from the council about the hedge and I want to see if it's the same one. Just a moment while I find it.
Fiona Tallentire Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by noting the greenhouse's condensation and the family firm's long standing.
  2. Explain the twice-yearly visit and that the subscription renews itself automatically.
  3. Dismiss the objection that condensation is normal by citing the quiet renewal convenience.
  4. Ask for the yes to start the twice-yearly self-renewing subscription.

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