Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #439 · 2026-11-02

Derek Munt
of Mabbs Wall Coatings Services

a replacement for a window catch that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 439: Derek Munt of Mabbs Wall Coatings Services, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, catch not broken, bird not fed

“Caller asked for a yes on the catch and got a question about whether it would need feeding; Bernard's bird was mentioned and the caller folded his sheet.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Derek Munt Oh, hello, sorry to bother you. It's Derek Munt, from Mabbs Wall Coatings Services. I'm ringing about a window catch, if that's all right?
Bernard Oh, well, now, a window catch — you've caught me at a good moment, Derek, I was only watching the washing line out the back. One peg's gone, you see. Anyway. What's the catch about a window, then?
Derek Munt We're offering a replacement catch, that's the thing — for a catch that isn't actually broken. Sorry, I know that sounds odd, but that's what's on the sheet.
Bernard Not broken, you say. Well, that's very good of you. Mine opens and shuts perfectly well, though it's a bit stiff in the cold. Is this a sort of spring-clean for catches, then?
Derek Munt No, I know yours works, I do appreciate that. But the new one works as well, that's the selling point — sorry, that's just the line they gave me.
Bernard Both fine, then. Ha! Like two pegs that both do the job — though I'm down to the one now. Could I ask, does this new catch come in green? The window frame's green, you see.
Derek Munt I honestly don't know if it comes in green, sorry, that's not on my sheet. Could I just get a yes on ordering the catch today, please?
Bernard Oh, a yes. Well, I'd have to think about it, and I never like to rush a chap. Now, will this catch need feeding, at all? Only I've a bird in the front room and it gets into everything.
Derek Munt It doesn't need feeding, no. I'm sorry, I'm not doing this very well, am I? I'll put it all in writing and send it on to you instead.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that — I was very interested, honestly. You take care now, mind the traffic going home.
Derek Munt I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they have a window and it currently opens and closes.
  2. Explain you are offering a replacement catch for a catch that is not broken.
  3. Concede the existing catch works fine, then stress the new one is also fine.
  4. Ask for the yes on ordering the replacement catch today.

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