Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #438 · 2026-11-02

Fergus Bramble
of Pumphrey Brothers, est. 1962

a annual loft audit that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 438: Fergus Bramble of Pumphrey Brothers, est. 1962, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard was interested throughout and remained in the cupboard; caller handed the file to a colleague and left the traffic to Bernard.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Fergus Bramble Fergus Bramble, Pumphrey Brothers. I'm ringing about your loft — is this the loft itself I'm speaking to?
Bernard Oh, hello! No, it's Bernard — the loft's just up the ladder, I'm down here in the cupboard under the stairs. Terrible signal in here. What was it you wanted?
Fergus Bramble That's fine, Bernard, you'll do. It's about the annual loft audit, which comes round as a courtesy — you don't have to have ordered it, it's simply in the diary.
Bernard Oh, in the diary already, is it. Well, that's very organised of somebody. Nobody's said a word to me about an audit, mind — but I dare say I've forgotten.
Fergus Bramble Nobody's said a word because that's rather the point of it — unbidden. And people do ask who we are, so: Pumphrey Brothers, family firm, founded in nineteen sixty-two, which is older than most objections.
Bernard Sixty-two, you say. That's the year the milk float came down our road with its terrible brakes. Anyway — family firm's a good sign. My father swore by those. What does the audit do, exactly?
Fergus Bramble Fair enough. Just give me a yes on the arrival date and we'll let ourselves in — is that a yes?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Letting yourselves in, though — what date was it again? My hearing's fine, it's just the telephone.
Fergus Bramble Honestly, I've done this eleven thousand times and it's only Tuesday. Someone from the office will pick it up with you, Bernard.
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I was very interested, I really was. You go on then — and mind the traffic going home, there's a lot of it about.
Fergus Bramble I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you're speaking to the loft, then introduce yourself as Fergus.
  2. Explain the annual audit arrives unbidden as a courtesy, already scheduled.
  3. Address the objection that nobody asked by stressing the family firm founding.
  4. Ask for the yes on the arrival date, framed as just letting us in.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →