Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #434 · 2026-11-02

Cian Tupou
of The National Council of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners

a replacement for a greenhouse that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
4%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 434: Cian Tupou of The National Council of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller lost the bin and the plot

“Caller opened on the glasshouse, was drawn into the bin lid, and closed by losing his place in his own call; Bernard offered him lunch.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Cian Tupou Cian Tupou, National Council of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners. It's about your glasshouse out the back — fully working, I'm told, in good standing. Brilliant bit of news to start on.
Bernard Ah, well, that's very good of you to ring about it. Is it raining where you are? Only I've got the bin out and the lid's wandered off again, so I'm watching the sky like a hawk.
Cian Tupou Ha, the bin lid! Wonderful. Well, since it's all in fine working order, that's exactly the moment to schedule a replacement, isn't it?
Bernard A replacement? Well now, you've lost me a bit there. Do you mean the bin, or the glasshouse? Because the glasshouse is doing fine, it's the bin that's letting the side down.
Cian Tupou Ha, understood! But the real point is this — hang on to it much longer and you'll grow fond of it, and then where are we?
Bernard Fond of the bin? Oh, I don't know about that. Though it's been down the end of the path so long I'd feel odd seeing a new one there. What was it you were actually after again?
Cian Tupou Brilliant, that's exactly the feeling to avoid! So if I could just have your go-ahead on the order today, we'll get it moving.
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, that's the thing. Tell you what though, have you had your lunch? Because I've got the kettle on and it'd be no trouble.
Cian Tupou That's lovely of you. It's just — I had the whole thing lined up, the bin was never part of it, and now I've rather lost where I was in all this... I'll leave you to it, Bernard.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, I really am, and I was very interested, truly. Mind how you go now, and watch the roads on the way home.
Cian Tupou Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming their fully functional greenhouse, established in good standing.
  2. Present the case for a scheduled replacement of a greenhouse that is not broken.
  3. Counter the objection: replacement now prevents sentimental attachment to the existing glass.
  4. Ask for the yes: authorise the replacement greenhouse order today.

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