Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #432 · 2026-11-02

Petra Vanterpool
of Cinderby Threshold Bureau

a certificate confirming a window catch is structurally adequate · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
11%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 432: Petra Vanterpool of Cinderby Threshold Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictcaller withdrew before Bernard could think about it

“Bernard asked whether the certificate needed feeding; the caller asked whether Bernard would accept it. Neither question was answered.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Petra Vanterpool Petra Vanterpool, Cinderby Threshold Bureau. This is about the window catch already fitted in your home — a quick confirmation and nothing more.
Bernard Oh, you've caught me in the middle of something, but carry on. The window catch, you say — well, that's been there since before I can remember, so I'm very interested. Now, would you like a cup of tea while you're at it?
Petra Vanterpool Bernard, the certificate simply states the catch is structurally adequate — that's the whole of it. And I'm fine without the tea, thank you.
Bernard Structurally adequate. That's a lovely phrase, that. So it's just confirming the thing I've got is doing its job, is it? Like the garden gate, only better behaved in the wet.
Petra Vanterpool Exactly, Bernard, and that's the beauty of it — it certifies what you already know and changes nothing at all. So I'll mark you down for the certificate on the catch you've got, shall I?
Bernard Well now, that's very good of you. I'd have to think about it — but what was it again you were putting me down for? The certif-thing. Is it just the one lovely piece of paper?
Petra Vanterpool I'll be quick, Bernard — it's one certificate, for the one catch, confirming it's structurally adequate. Now, best on my floor, so let's get you accepting that certificate.
Bernard Oh, I'm very interested, I really am. Hold on, I just want to look at something in the hall. Now — would the certificate need feeding, do you think, or does it just sit there?
Petra Vanterpool Bernard, it just sits there. It doesn't need feeding. Would you accept the certificate for the catch you have?
Bernard I see, I see. Well, I'd have to think about it, but you've been very patient with me. Now tell me, how's your day been otherwise — busy with all these certificates?
Petra Vanterpool I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming the window and its catch already exist there.
  2. Explain the certificate only states the catch is structurally adequate.
  3. Reassure it certifies what they already know and changes nothing.
  4. Ask them to accept the certificate for the catch they have.

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