Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #431 · 2026-11-02

Beverley Quarmby
of The National Council of Independent Cistern Auditors

a monthly hedge trimmings subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no agreement, caller handed off to colleague

“Bernard offered the caller cheese, a coal bunker and his late wife's approval; caller offered him Annex C and left.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Beverley Quarmby Beverley Quarmby, The National Council of Independent Cistern Auditors. I'm ringing because of your hedge trimmings — policy four-oh-two requires tidy ones, and we'd like to supply them.
Bernard Oh, hello Beverley. Have you had your lunch? I only ask because I've just had a bit of cheese and I feel I rushed it. Now — hedge trimmings, you said. Is that the little bits you snip off, or the trimming you do to a hedge?
Beverley Quarmby Both, really. The trimmings arrive fresh each month and the subscription renews itself automatically, which is the convenient bit — that's policy four-oh-two, part four, sub-section b.
Bernard Renews itself, does it? That's clever. Now, would these arrive in a box, or loose? Only I've a coal bunker out the back and I'm never sure what's at the bottom of it, and I'd not want them getting mixed in with that.
Beverley Quarmby Nobody's asked for trimmings, I know, but the audit standards are quite clear on it — Annex C, if I'm reading the sheet right, which requires tidiness.
Bernard Annex C, right you are. Well, I'd have to think about it, but I do like a tidy thing. My late wife Ada kept the front garden ever so neat — she'd have liked you. Is it a green sort of trimming, or more the brown?
Beverley Quarmby Green, generally. So will you accept the first month's delivery, with the renewal implied? That's the last item on my sheet and I'd like to get it ticked.
Bernard Oh, well, now, that's very good of you. I almost want to say yes straight off. But — hold on, I'm just going to look at the hall, there's something come through the door. Don't go anywhere, will you?
Beverley Quarmby I'll just wait, then. Take your time.
Bernard That's kind. Now — oh, it's only the free paper. Anyway, whereabouts are you ringing from? Only my niece is in a town with a lot of sevens in the number and I wondered if it were near her.
Beverley Quarmby I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by referencing the cistern auditors' need for tidy hedge trimmings.
  2. Explain the monthly trimmings arrive fresh and renew automatically for convenience.
  3. Address the objection that nobody asked for trimmings by citing audit standards.
  4. Ask whether they will accept the first month's delivery, renewal implied.

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