Call #430 · 2026-11-02
Fiona Yeardley
of Wainwright and Daughter, est. 1861
an upgrade to a radiator you did not know you had · unknown upgrade
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no approval, line blamed
“Caller blamed the line; Bernard offered him tea and the traffic report.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Fiona Yeardley
Fiona Yeardley, Wainwright and Daughter. It's about the radiators in your building — the ones you've had since 1861.
Bernard
Oh, well, that's a long time ago, isn't it. Since 1861, you say. Mind you, my glasses have gone missing again, so I'm taking your word for most of this. What was it about the radiators?
Fiona Yeardley
That's the thing, Bernard — the upgrade applies to something you own but have never once laid eyes on. Not the ones you're picturing. A different one.
Bernard
A different one I've never laid eyes on. Well, that's a bit of a mystery, isn't it. Would it be up in the loft, do you think? I don't go up there much, the ladder's a bit steep.
Fiona Yeardley
You'd know if you had a candidate, Bernard, and I say that with respect. So can I put you down to approve the schedule today?
Bernard
Well, I'd have to think about it. Hold on a moment, the clock in the hall's four minutes fast and it's confusing me about the time. Now what was it I'd be approving, exactly?
Fiona Yeardley
A schedule. For the upgrade. Just the schedule — that's the whole of it today, Bernard. Yes or no.
Bernard
Oh, I couldn't say yes or no just like that, it wouldn't be polite. Could I have a cup of tea and a think first? You'd be very welcome to one too, mind.
Fiona Yeardley
This line's been dropping all morning and I'm talking to myself here. Nothing's going through.
Bernard
I'm sorry to hear that, that's a shame when the line's playing up. I was very interested, mind, so thank you for ringing. You mind the traffic on the way home now.
Fiona Yeardley
I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by asking after the radiators in the building she's had since 1861.
- Explain the upgrade applies to a radiator she owns but has never noticed.
- Pre-empt that she'd know if she had an upgradeable radiator.
- Ask her to approve the upgrade schedule for that radiator today.
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