Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #43 · 2026-10-20

Gareth Palgrave
of Ottringham & Skell Domestic Appurtenances

a spirit level for a house on stilts · precision instrument

27
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
10
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Caller offered a quarterly recalibration subscription; householder offered tea while searching for glasses.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gareth Palgrave Good evening, this is Gareth Palgrave from Ottringham & Skell Domestic Appurtenances. Am I speaking with the householder of a stilted property, by any chance?
Bernard Oh — evening to you. Yes, that's me, stilts and all, well, pilings really. Now — Palgrave, did you say? There was a Palgrave ran the chippy years back. Is it warm where you are? Only it's turned quite sharp here.
Gareth Palgrave It is warm enough here, thank you. So — the level compensates for that perpetual sway of yours, at no extra charge.
Bernard No extra charge, that's very good of you. Sway — yes, I'd noticed. Mavis notices it more than me; she's the parrot. Do you do them in green at all? Only the kitchen's green.
Gareth Palgrave Green can be looked into. Tell me, Bernard, how's the house feeling about gravity lately — any complaints from the pilings?
Bernard Oh, the pilings keep themselves to themselves mostly. The gutters grumble a bit in a westerly. Now — would that level want feeding, do you think? Only I've had trouble with things that need feeding.
Gareth Palgrave No feeding required, I promise. What I can offer is a subscription, just to confirm — the bubble gets recalibrated each quarter so you never have to think about it.
Bernard A subscription, right you are. Quarterly — that's four times, isn't it. My sister does hers monthly and swears by it. Is that a bit much, monthly? Oh — mind, take your time.
Gareth Palgrave Honestly, Bernard, I've been on this call a while and I'm not sure I've sold a single thing all evening. So — is there a nearby relative I could have the details for instead?
Bernard Well, that's honest of you. My nephew's the one for this sort of thing — lives over by the water tower. I'll have a look for his number once I've found my glasses. Cup of tea while I look?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming the householder lives in a stilted property.
  2. Explain the level compensates for perpetual sway at no extra charge.
  3. Ask how the house is feeling about gravity lately.
  4. Offer a subscription to recalibrate the bubble each quarter.
  5. Close by requesting a nearby relative's contact details instead.

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