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Call #426 · 2026-11-02

Euan Eriksen
of The Marchwold Trust

a certificate confirming a side gate is suitable for its address · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no address, wasp unresolved

“Caller asked for the address twice; Bernard offered a wasp instead, and the caller chose the afternoon.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Euan Eriksen Hello, sorry to bother you — Euan Eriksen here, from The Marchwold Trust. I'm ringing about your side gate, and I'll be quick, I promise.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Before you start, is this the one about the gutters? Only I had a chap about the gutters, and I've been thinking about it all week.
Euan Eriksen No, no, not gutters at all, sorry. It's about your side gate, and the certificate that says the gate is suitable for its own address — that's all it does.
Bernard A certificate for the gate, well I never. Where would it live, then — indoors or out in the shed with the rakes?
Euan Eriksen Shed's fine, honestly, wherever you'd keep a certificate. The lovely part is the gate already qualifies, so this is really just a formality on our end.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. Would it want much looking after, or is it the sort of thing that just sits?
Euan Eriksen It just sits, I promise, nothing to look after. Sorry, I'm a bit new at this — could you confirm the address for me, so I can get the certificate issued?
Bernard Oh, of course, happy to help. Let me just get my glasses — I've had them on my head this whole time, I think. Now, what is it you need, the address?
Euan Eriksen The address, yes, sorry, I did just say that. It goes on the certificate itself, so I can't skip it, I'm afraid.
Bernard Well, it's the bungalow at the end of the row — the one with the wasp in the kitchen window, if that helps you find it. Poor thing's been there since Tuesday.
Euan Eriksen Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as calling from The Marchwold Trust, warmly and vaguely.
  2. Explain the gate certificate confirms the side gate suits its own address.
  3. Reassure them the gate already qualifies, so the certificate is a formality.
  4. Ask them to confirm the address so the certificate can be issued.

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