Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #425 · 2026-11-02

Tomasz Sithole
of Zouch Gate Repair

a bundle of a hedge and a doormat · bundle

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 425: Tomasz Sithole of Zouch Gate Repair, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller departed by post

“Bernard asked whether the hedge would mind the drain and whether the bird had a say in the colour; caller referred him to policy forty-two and then to the postal service.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Tomasz Sithole Hello, Tomasz Sithole here, Zouch Gate Repair. I'm ringing about our hedge-and-doormat bundle, which I'd like to put to you briefly.
Bernard Oh, hello there. You sound like you're in a cupboard — are you all right in there? Well, I'm very interested, now what was it again?
Tomasz Sithole It's a cupboard, yes, thank you for noticing — it's only for the printouts. Anyway, the hedge-and-doormat bundle is one arrangement, you see, and both items come included together.
Bernard One arrangement, is it? That's handy. Now, I've got a drain by the gate that gurgles something awful — would the hedge mind being near that, do you think?
Tomasz Sithole Drains aren't something I can speak to, I'm afraid — that's outside the sheet. But policy forty-two, section B, says hedges and mats are sold as a single arrangement, which is why I'm ringing.
Bernard Forty-two, right you are. My nephew's forty-two, or he was — no, he's forty-three now, I've got that wrong again. And why is it a gate man sells the hedge?
Tomasz Sithole That's covered on my history printout — the trade started with gates and grew outwards, so the hedge and the mat came along with it. It's all in the same arrangement, and I'll be quick: can I put you down for it?
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. I'd have to think about it, mind — does it come in green? Only the bird in the front room is fussy about colours.
Tomasz Sithole Green is the standard one, I believe — though that's not on my sheet, so I couldn't swear it. Just to go back a step, the arrangement is delivered and fitted at once, all in one go.
Bernard Oh, delivered and fitted at once, that's the way to do it. Would they want the fitting done before or after the spare room's coats come out of the wardrobe? Only it's a thoroughfare at present.
Tomasz Sithole I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as Tomasz Sithole and the gate repair trade.
  2. Describe the hedge-and-doormat bundle as one arrangement, both included.
  3. Address why a gate repairer sells hedges and doormats together.
  4. Ask for the yes on the bundle, delivered and fitted at once.

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