Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #422 · 2026-11-02

Audrey Pickles
of The Ingleby Thorp Trust

an annual inspection of a loft hatch you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
31%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 422: Audrey Pickles of The Ingleby Thorp Trust, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, bird remains

“Caller established that Bernard has never seen his hatch, then learned the bird prefers green things; nothing was sold, and nobody escaped.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Audrey Pickles Good afternoon, this is Audrey Pickles from The Ingleby Thorp Trust. One question, sir: have you ever actually seen your loft hatch?
Bernard Oh, hello there. Is it raining where you are? It's been coming down here since lunch, and I've been watching it from the window with the bird.
Audrey Pickles Rain's not really my department, Mr Pottle, I'm afraid. The annual inspection covers hatches that have never once been used.
Bernard Well, that's very thorough of you. Now, this hatch business. Does it need feeding at all, or is it more of a self-contained sort of thing?
Audrey Pickles No feeding involved, no. And not finding your hatch is precisely what the inspection is for, sir.
Bernard Oh, good, that's a relief. I had a look in the hall for it once but got distracted by the notices pinned in the porch. So you'd come and have a proper look, then?
Audrey Pickles Yes, and I'll be quick, just to confirm you're happy to go ahead. According to policy, reference seven, that's a yes and a booking for this year's inspection.
Bernard Seven, right. Well, I'd have to think about it, but I'm very interested, yes. Now, does it come in green at all? Only the bird's fond of green things.
Audrey Pickles That's a different product line, the colour isn't part of the inspection. This isn't working, Mr Pottle — I'll try you again another day.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, really I am, because I was very interested. You mind how you go now, and mind the traffic.
Audrey Pickles I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking whether they have ever actually seen their loft hatch.
  2. Explain the annual inspection covers hatches they have never used.
  3. Reassure that not finding the hatch is exactly what the inspection is for.
  4. Ask them to confirm the yes and book this year's inspection.

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