Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #418 · 2026-11-01

Bronwen Tupou
of Garrowby Group Holdings

an annual inspection of a gatepost you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 418: Bronwen Tupou of Garrowby Group Holdings, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew in writing

“Caller offered to inspect the gatepost wherever it has got to; Bernard offered tea and asked whether the digging would be involved.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Bronwen Tupou Bronwen Tupou, Garrowby Group Holdings. I'm ringing about the annual gatepost inspection on your account — you're the holder, presumably.
Bernard Well, I'd say you're both, aren't you — selling and asking at once. That's efficient. Now, a gatepost, you said? I've got a path out front with a slab that rocks, but I don't know as I've ever had a post to go with it.
Bronwen Tupou The slab's not on my list, but the gatepost is recorded against your locality, which is why it's on the account. Do you want me to go through the schedule for this year's inspection?
Bernard Oh, the locality, yes — that's the word I lost. I did wonder if you meant a locality or a locket. Go on then, go through it, but speak up a touch, there's a bird in the front room and he's very chatty today.
Bronwen Tupou I'll be quick then. If you can't locate the gatepost, that's fine — we'll inspect it wherever it happens to be. Does that work for you?
Bernard That's very good of you, going out to it wherever it's got to. I suppose a post doesn't wander off on its own, does it. Would you want a cup of tea when you come — I'd hate for you to do all that inspecting parched.
Bronwen Tupou I'll skip the tea, I've a list to get through. Can I put your name against this year's inspection of the gatepost, yes or no?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. I'm not saying no, mind — no is a big word. Can I ask, would this inspection involve any digging, because the ground out by the path is that solid I couldn't get a fork in it last spring.
Bronwen Tupou Digging's not in the script, no. Look, I'll be honest with you, I've been on this phone since seven and I've lost the thread entirely — I'll just put it in writing and send it out to you.
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, that's a long morning. I was very interested, genuinely. You go and have a sit-down and get a bit of something, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Bronwen Tupou I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have the holder of the gatepost inspection account on the line.
  2. Explain the annual inspection covers a gatepost recorded against their locality.
  3. Address that they cannot locate it by offering to inspect it wherever it is.
  4. Ask for the yes to schedule this year's inspection of the gatepost.

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