Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #417 · 2026-11-01

Sione Crump
of The National Council of Sash Window Registrars

a replacement for a water butt that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 417: Sione Crump of The National Council of Sash Window Registrars, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller handed off to colleague

“Bernard remained very interested throughout; the caller withdrew after the third enquiry about what was being swapped.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Sione Crump Hello there, Sione Crump here from The National Council of Sash Window Registrars! Just ringing to confirm you're the registered keeper of a working water butt — brilliant, is that right?
Bernard Oh, hello there — have you had your lunch? I'm sorry, the what now, a water butt? Well I'd have to go and look, but I think that's the big green thing by the downpipe, yes.
Sione Crump Wonderful, that's the one, thank you! Now the scheme I'm calling about covers butts that need no replacing at all.
Bernard Well that's very good of you, covers them for what exactly? Sorry, the line's a bit muffled on my left side. I've a box of nails here in three sizes if that helps at all.
Sione Crump Ha, nails, lovely! Here's the thing though — even a perfectly good butt qualifies, it's what we call proactive replacement.
Bernard Proactive, right you are. And would it come in a colour at all, or is it just the one? Only it sits right where the bird can see it, and she's particular.
Sione Crump That's a great question, colours are handled after the paperwork I'm afraid. So can I put you down as a yes and get the swap of your unbroken butt scheduled?
Bernard Well, that all sounds very reasonable, I'm very interested — but what was it you were swapping again? I've half a mind it was the gutters, and I've been up on that ladder before, so.
Sione Crump No ladders, promise! It's your water butt — the one that's working perfectly, which is exactly why it qualifies. Shall I mark you down for the swap?
Bernard Sorry — did you say swoop? I've been meaning to have the washing line looked at, there's one peg gone. Oh, but you carry on, I'm very interested, I just don't want to say yes to the wrong thing.
Sione Crump I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they are the registered keeper of a working water butt.
  2. Explain the replacement butt scheme covers butts that need no replacing.
  3. Counter that a working butt still qualifies for proactive replacement.
  4. Ask for the yes to schedule the swap of the unbroken butt.

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