Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #416 · 2026-11-01

Aisling Mowbray
of Mowbray Gate Repair Services

a certificate confirming a water butt is properly registered · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
21%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 416: Aisling Mowbray of Mowbray Gate Repair Services, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit, line blamed

“Bernard asked whether the certificate would upset the bird; caller blamed the line and hung up on a working phone.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Aisling Mowbray Aisling Mowbray, Mowbray Gate Repair Services. Am I speaking with the person who has the water butt?
Bernard You're very clear, I'll say that for you. Yes, that's me, the butt's out the back by the greenhouse. Are you the one who does the gurgling drain as well, or is that a different department?
Aisling Mowbray The drain's a different department, but we can escalate that later if you like. What the water butt registration certificate does is simply confirm what you already own — it puts it on record, properly.
Bernard Oh, I see. Well, that sounds very sensible. Now, would the record of it be something I keep indoors, or does it want to live out there with the butt?
Aisling Mowbray Indoors is fine, it's a certificate, not a houseguest. And Bernard — we're only asking because the butt plainly exists and proof seems a bit much, but the certificate puts it beyond doubt, so shall we put you down for one today?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Hold on, there's a bird looking at me. Do you think it would mind a certificate, or would the paper upset it?
Aisling Mowbray I shouldn't think the bird has views on paperwork. Look, I'll be quick — will you take the certificate today, and if it helps I can escalate it to the floor for a priority slot?
Bernard A priority slot, well. Now, I did have one of those for the greenhouse pane, and that never got done, mind. What was it you're putting down on the floor, the certificate?
Aisling Mowbray The certificate, yes — that's what goes down, and I'll be quick about it, I promise. Sorry, give me a second.
Bernard Take all the time you need, I'm not going anywhere. You sound a bit done in, if you don't mind my saying.
Aisling Mowbray I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the person with the water butt.
  2. Explain the water butt registration certificate confirms what they already own.
  3. Brush aside the point that the butt plainly exists and needs no proof.
  4. Ask plainly whether they will take the certificate today.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →