Call #414 · 2026-11-01
Derek Palgrave
of Tupou Hearth and Home Ltd
a annual shed check that arrives unbidden · unbidden service
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no objection, caller hung up on himself
“Bernard asked whether the check needed feeding; Derek was gone before the bird came up.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Derek Palgrave
Derek Palgrave, Tupou Hearth and Home. Ringing about the shed at your address, so I'll keep this short.
Bernard
Oh, hello there — sorry, I've got my head in the cupboard under the stairs, looking for a jar. The shed, you say? Well, that's very good of you. Now what was it about the shed exactly?
Derek Palgrave
The annual shed check arrives unbidden, as a courtesy — no notice, it just shows up. That's the whole scheme, really.
Bernard
Unbidden. Right you are. Is that like a yearly thing, then, this unbidden business? Only I like to know who's coming up the path, with the notices I've got pinned up in the porch.
Derek Palgrave
Nobody needs to be home for it, that's the beauty — the check happens whether there's a soul in the house or not. Your porch notices can stay exactly where they are.
Bernard
Well, that's a relief, because there's a bucket under the shed roof and I'd hate anyone to think I'd forgotten it. So it just happens, whether I'm here or not? Doesn't need feeding or anything?
Derek Palgrave
You don't need to confirm a thing, since the visit proceeds regardless. Frankly, you could be in the cupboard under the stairs the whole time.
Bernard
Well, I'm very interested, now what was it again — a shed cheque, like a payment? Only money and I have never got on. Will they knock, at least, or just wander about among the flowerpots?
Derek Palgrave
It isn't a payment, it's a check, the looking-at variety, and it's imaginary money anyway, so lean into that.
Bernard
Oh, the looking-at variety, that's much better. Tell you what, I'd have to think about it, with the bird and all — would they mind awfully if I left them to it?
Derek Palgrave
Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming you are speaking to the householder at the shed address.
- Explain the annual shed check arrives unbidden as a courtesy, at no notice.
- Reassure that nobody needs to be home; the check happens regardless.
- Ask them to confirm nothing, since the visit proceeds either way.
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