Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #413 · 2026-11-01

Aoife Thackeray
of Quarmby and Sons, est. 1899

an annual inspection of a hedge you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller self-terminated

“Bernard asked whether the inspection comes in green; Aoife said it would match whatever he had, then put the phone down on his own script.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Aoife Thackeray Bernard, Aoife Thackeray here from Quarmby and Sons, established 1899. I'm calling about your annual hedge inspection, and I've every confidence we can get this booked in right now.
Bernard Hold on, let me turn the radio down. There we are — sorry, you said a hedge inspection? Well, now, that's very good of you. I've got a letter from the council about a hedge somewhere, though I couldn't tell you which one.
Aoife Thackeray Well, that's the beauty of it, Bernard — the inspection covers a hedge, and it doesn't need to be one on your land at all. So that letter of yours is no obstacle whatsoever.
Bernard Well, I'm very interested, now what was it again? A hedge not on my land. Does it matter which one, or do you just pick a hedge and have a look at it? Only I'd hate to send you to the wrong one.
Aoife Thackeray Don't worry about that, Bernard, we see this every day. The hedge needn't be located at all, and it needn't have been used before — that's rather the point of the thing. So, shall I put you down for the inspection?
Bernard Oh, that's a relief, because I couldn't point to it in a million years. Hm — so it doesn't need feeding or anything? Does it come in green, this inspection? I'd want it to match.
Aoife Thackeray It'll match whatever you've got, Bernard, I'll see to that personally. So — can I take that as a yes on the inspection?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, if that's all right. Now — is it this Thursday or next? Only I've got the side gate to see to, it only opens inwards, and I'm forever forgetting.
Aoife Thackeray Bernard, I've been doing this eleven years and I can tell you the gate is not going to be the thing that stops us. Now, about the inspection —
Bernard I'm sorry, I've quite lost the thread. Was it the hedge or the gate we were on about? You've been very patient with me, and I do appreciate it.
Aoife Thackeray Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as Aoife Thackeray of Quarmby and Sons, established 1899.
  2. Explain the annual inspection covers a hedge, not necessarily one on their land.
  3. Reassure them the hedge needn't be located or previously used.
  4. Ask to book the inspection and confirm a yes.

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