Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #411 · 2026-11-01

Wendy Yelland
of The National Council of Approved Gutter Water Merchants

a bundle of the immersion heater and a length of hose · bundle

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
38%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller withdrew in writing

“Caller corrected the bundle three times; Bernard offered him a horse, a pantry shelf and a safe journey home, and got none of them.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Wendy Yelland Wendy Yelland, The National Council of Approved Gutter Water Merchants. I'm ringing because we have an immersion heater with your premises' name on it, and I need a moment of your time.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. Am I warm enough, you ask? I'm sat here with the radiator doing its best and a bird giving me the eye from the curtain rail, so I'm not complaining.
Wendy Yelland That's not quite the question I put, Mr Pottle, but I'll note it. The hose comes as part of the arrangement, not separately — policy eleven, subsection c, so you can't have one without the other.
Bernard Oh, the horse, is it? I did wonder about a horse. Now, would it need stabling, or does it manage in the garden? There's a fence panel out the back that's seen better days.
Wendy Yelland Hose, Mr Pottle, like the garden one attached to the immersion heater — it's not a separate item, that's policy eleven, subsection c. Why does an approved merchant need both together? Because the certification covers the pair as one unit, so neither works alone on the paperwork.
Bernard I see, I see. Well, the horse and the heater together, that makes a sort of sense. And does the hose come with the horse, or is that extra? I only ask because the front path has a slab that rocks.
Wendy Yelland The hose comes with the heater, Mr Pottle — that's the whole point of the bundle, and I've now said that twice. Are you happy to go ahead with the combined heater and hose, yes or no?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, I don't like to rush these things. What was it again, the heater and the — the, um, the pantry shelf? I keep meaning to open a tin up there and I never do.
Wendy Yelland Heater and hose. Heater and hose, Mr Pottle, there's no pantry shelf in this at all. Look — I'll put it in writing instead. You'll get the full details on the laminated sheet, and you can read it at your own pace without me.
Bernard That's very good of you, a laminated sheet. And you'll be all right getting home, will you? Mind the traffic on the way.
Wendy Yelland I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the premises with the immersion heater.
  2. Explain the hose comes as part of the arrangement, not separately.
  3. Address why an approved merchant needs both items together.
  4. Ask for the yes on the combined heater-and-hose bundle.

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