Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #407 · 2026-11-01

Thandi Mbeki
of Asquith Habitation Ltd

a twice-yearly hedge trimmings subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
38%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 407: Thandi Mbeki of Asquith Habitation Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictsoft yes, no sale, line dead

“Bernard offered a soft yes and a warning about the traffic; the caller offered the company name again and lost the line.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Thandi Mbeki Hi, sorry to bother you — Thandi Mbeki, Asquith Habitation Ltd. Is this the person who handles the grounds?
Bernard Oh, the grounds, well, that'd be me, I suppose — though the moss and I have reached an understanding. You've caught me mid-programme, I've quite lost the thread of it. Who did you say you were with, dear?
Thandi Mbeki Asquith Habitation Ltd, sorry, I know I'm hopeless at this bit — I'm calling about our twice-yearly hedge trimmings service, which comes to you two times a year, all done for you. Sorry, is that clear? I feel like I'm reading it too fast.
Bernard No, no, you take your time, you've a lovely clear voice. Twice yearly, you said — is that like a pudding, or do the trimmings come in a box? And would a person need to be in for them?
Thandi Mbeki No, nothing comes in a box! Sorry — that's my fault, it's not a pudding. It's the trimming itself, done for you, so the convenience is you never have to think about it, or be in for it, or lift a thing.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. I'd have to think about it, mind. Is it the sort that sorts itself out without me having a say? Only I like to know what's going on in my own garden.
Thandi Mbeki So just to confirm — can I put you down for the twice-yearly service? It renews itself each time, no notice needed from you, which is really the whole point of it. Sorry, is that alright?
Bernard Oh, that renewing business, that's rather like my immersion heater — it's got two settings and I've never once been sure which one it's on. Can I say a soft yes and think it over properly?
Thandi Mbeki Honestly, a soft yes is more than I usually get, so thank you. Sorry, I've completely gone blank on where I was in the — I'll just say the company name again, and then it's the renewing subscription, which sorts itself out twice a year
Bernard Well, I'm sorry to hear you've gone blank, I've been there myself, standing in the doorway with no idea why. I was very interested, truly — you're a credit to them. You mind the traffic on the way home, won't you.
Thandi Mbeki Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the person responsible for the grounds.
  2. Explain the twice-yearly hedge trimmings service you are subscribing them to.
  3. Address the objection that they never asked for hedge trimmings by citing the convenience.
  4. Ask for the yes and mention it renews itself without further notice.

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