Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #404 · 2026-11-01

Jean Jankowski
of The Trust for the Preservation of Porches

a certificate confirming a radiator is of sound character · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 404: Jean Jankowski of The Trust for the Preservation of Porches, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew to post

“Caller offered a certificate that changes nothing; Bernard offered tea and time, and could not supply the number two-oh-four.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Jean Jankowski Good afternoon, this is Jean Jankowski calling from The Trust for the Preservation of Porches. I'm ringing because I need to ask one quick question — do you have a radiator in the building?
Bernard Ooh, hello Jean. Have you had your lunch? I've had mine — well, I say mine, I had it standing up. A radiator, did you say? Yes, there's one in the hall.
Jean Jankowski That's very kind of you. Now, the Trust does something rather particular: it issues certificates of sound character for radiators, and the one in your hall may well qualify.
Bernard A certificate! Well, that's very good of you. And what would it be for — is it like a reference, for a job? Because our old girl's been here longer than I have, she'd get a good one.
Jean Jankowski Ha, that's the spirit — though strictly it's not a reference, it's a formality, policy two-oh-four. And just to reassure you, the certificate changes nothing whatsoever about the radiator itself — it stays exactly as it is.
Bernard So it stays as it is, does it. That's rather nice, isn't it. And what was the number again — two-oh-four, or was it two-forty? My shed roof's got a bucket under it at the moment, so figures go straight out of my head.
Jean Jankowski It's the one number below five, I'll not muddy it further. So if I can have your yes, I'll get the certificate issued today.
Bernard Oh, I'm very interested, I am — but I'd have to think about it, if that's all right. Would you like a tea while I think? I've got the pot on, and there's plenty of time.
Jean Jankowski I'm not going to manage this on the telephone. I'll put the whole thing in writing and post it out to you.
Bernard Well, that's a shame, but I'm glad you rang — it's been the nicest part of my day. You mind how you go, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Jean Jankowski I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking whether they have a radiator in the building.
  2. Explain the Trust issues certificates of sound character for radiators.
  3. Reassure them the certificate changes nothing about the radiator itself.
  4. Ask for the yes so the certificate can be issued.

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