Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #402 · 2026-11-01

Douglas Trimley
of Pellow Garth Holdings

an annual inspection of the meter cupboard you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 402: Douglas Trimley of Pellow Garth Holdings, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard offered the caller a tea and asked whether the cupboard comes in green; the caller blamed the line and hung up on a boiler.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Douglas Trimley Hello, this is Douglas Trimley from Pellow Garth Holdings — we're just confirming we've got the right household, because the annual meter cupboard inspection is due.
Bernard Oh, hello Douglas, that's very good of you. Now — is that the front door or the back door you're at? I only ask because the gate sticks something dreadful when it's wet, and I'd hate you to be stuck out there.
Douglas Trimley Oh, nobody's at your door, Bernard — we're on the phones here. The annual meter cupboard inspection is now due, and that's the whole of why we're getting in touch.
Bernard On the phones, of course, I'm sorry. The, what did you call it — the meter cupboard? I've had one of those somewhere for years and I've never once been introduced to it.
Douglas Trimley That's exactly why the inspection pays for itself, Bernard — it locates the thing first, then gives it a proper looking over. The team's been very clear on that since I took over as team leader on Monday.
Bernard Locates it first — well, that's a relief, because I've no idea where the blessed thing has got to. And there's just you doing all this, is there?
Douglas Trimley We're all behind this one, Bernard, the whole floor — and if it helps, we can escalate it for you, as a kindness. So can we put you down as a yes for this year's inspection?
Bernard Well, I'm very interested, I really am. But tell me — would this be a cupboard that comes in green? Only I've got a bird in the front room and she's ever so fussy about colours.
Douglas Trimley The inspection's only about checking over whatever you've got, Bernard — colour isn't something we get into. Shall we put this year's visit down as a yes?
Bernard I'd have to think about it, if that's all right. Now, would you like a tea while we're talking? The water's not long boiled.
Douglas Trimley I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached Pellow Garth Holdings.
  2. Explain the annual meter cupboard inspection is now due.
  3. Address that they cannot find it: inspection locates it first.
  4. Ask for the yes to book this year's inspection.

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