Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #397 · 2026-11-01

Sunita Pumphrey
of Lindqvist, Dlamini and Pratt Loft Boarding Partnership

a certificate confirming the airing cupboard is of sound character · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
11%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 397: Sunita Pumphrey of Lindqvist, Dlamini and Pratt Loft Boarding Partnership, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit, caller exited

“Bernard offered the caller tea he could not drink and asked whether the certificate needed feeding; the caller chose the post.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Sunita Pumphrey Sunita Pumphrey, from Lindqvist, Dlamini and Pratt Loft Boarding Partnership. I'm ringing about the certification of your airing cupboard, and I just need a moment of your time.
Bernard Oh, you've caught me in the middle of something, but carry on. Sorry, did you say the airing cupboard? I'm very interested, now what was it again?
Sunita Pumphrey Right, so the certificate attests to the sound character of the airing cupboard. It's a formal statement that the cupboard is of sound character, in writing, with a reference number on it.
Bernard A certificate for the cupboard's character. Well, that's very good of you. And it's in writing, you say? My reading glasses have gone missing again, but never mind that. Does it come in green at all?
Sunita Pumphrey I should say policy fourteen-b says colours aren't a variable on the certificate itself. And a lot of people say their cupboard's plainly fine already, but fine isn't certified, and that's rather the point.
Bernard Oh, policy fourteen-b, I see. Well, my cupboard's been perfectly well behaved for years, never a peep out of it. But I suppose fine isn't the same as certified, is it. Now, would you like a cup of tea while we sort this out?
Sunita Pumphrey I appreciate that, but I'm on the phone, so a cup isn't much use to me. So if I can just get the yes on the certification fee today, we can get the paperwork moving.
Bernard Ha, of course, silly me, you can't drink it down the line. Now, the fee, you said. Remind me of that figure again. I had it written down somewhere but the kitchen drawer's full of instructions and I can't find a thing.
Sunita Pumphrey Forty dollars, two payments of nineteen ninety-nine, and that's an illustrative figure only, nothing's actually charged. I'll be quick, so can I put you down for the yes?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, that's two payments you said, and the two of them make... oh, I had it a moment ago. Now, does any of this need feeding, or is it the sort of thing that just sits there?
Sunita Pumphrey I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the airing cupboard's registered owner.
  2. Explain the certificate attests the cupboard's sound character, stated plainly.
  3. Address the objection that the cupboard is obviously fine already.
  4. Ask for the yes on the certificate fee, today.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →