Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #396 · 2026-11-01

Kirsty Yelland
of The Association of Certified Hedge Auditors

an upgrade to a radiator you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 396: Kirsty Yelland of The Association of Certified Hedge Auditors, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no radiator, no Wednesday

“Bernard offered the caller tea and a bird's opinion on green; caller handed him to a colleague and left.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Kirsty Yelland Hello there, Kirsty Yelland here from The Association of Certified Hedge Auditors, and I'm ringing because our records show your property has a radiator you've never registered. Brilliant, isn't it?
Bernard Oh, well, now, is this the one about the gutters? Only I had a lad round about the gutters in the spring and he never came back, and I've still got the ladder in the shed with a rung missing.
Kirsty Yelland No gutters at all, Bernard, that's lovely feedback. The radiator upgrade simply makes it certifiable under our hedge-audit standard, which is just great news for a property like yours.
Bernard A radiator, you say. Well, that's very good of you. Does it come in green at all? Only I've got a bird in the front room and she's ever so fussy about things that don't match.
Kirsty Yelland Ha, brilliant, a fussy bird! Now, if you've no radiator at all, no problem, I'll just register one on your behalf, and that's a lovely bit of admin for a Tuesday.
Bernard Oh, that's decent of you. Would that be a Tuesday, though? I thought it was Thursday. No, wait, it's Wednesday — the clock in the hall's four minutes fast, you see.
Kirsty Yelland Honestly, what a wonderful detail, I'll put four minutes fast in the notes. So can I just get the yes to schedule the certification visit, Bernard?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, I don't like to be rushed. Oh — would you like a cup of tea while you're here? I've got a pot going.
Kirsty Yelland So lovely of you to offer, but I only need the one word from you to get this scheduled, just to confirm.
Bernard Well, it's very good of you, it really is. But I'd best not say yes to anything I can't quite picture — I'd have to see about it.
Kirsty Yelland I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming their property has a radiator they've never registered.
  2. Explain the upgrade makes it certifiable under your hedge-audit standard.
  3. Handle objection: no radiator means you'll register one on their behalf.
  4. Ask for the yes to schedule the certification visit.

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