Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #393 · 2026-11-01

Pauline Chaudhry
of Meek and Daughter, est. 1884

a replacement for a chimney that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no survey, no bird moved

“Bernard asked whether the chimney came in green and whether the bird would have to move; the caller was last heard asking if he was still there.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Pauline Chaudhry Pauline Chaudhry, Meek and Daughter, established 1884. Ringing about your chimney — we'd like to swap it for a replacement.
Bernard Oh, the chimney, yes. Well, mine's been there since before I was, as far as I know. Pauline, is it? That's a lovely name — my aunt was a Pauline, or was it a Paulette, I always muddle it. What was it you wanted to do with the chimney again?
Pauline Chaudhry It's the modern standard for a working flue, that's all — the new one does what yours does, only newer. So the chimney as it stands, that's the thing we'd be swapping.
Bernard Ah, so it's a chimney that needs swapping, even though the old one's doing its job. Well, I'd have to think about that. Does it come in green at all? Only I've got a green lid on the water butt and I'm rather fond of the colour.
Pauline Chaudhry The point is more that a chimney from back then wasn't built for the way flues run today, even when it's ticking over fine. So the survey visit — that's the next step, if you're agreeable.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. Ticking over fine is how I'd describe mine, funnily enough, like the old radio in the kitchen. But you'd know better than me, I expect. Now, this survey — would they need to come indoors, or is it all up on the roof?
Pauline Chaudhry Indoors, I'm afraid — surveyor wants a look up the flue from the hearth. Just say the word and I'll sort the visit, and then we're done.
Bernard Up from the hearth, right you are. Would I need to move the bird? Only she's got her spot by the fireplace and she's not fond of strangers. Not that she'd say anything, mind — well, she would, actually.
Pauline Chaudhry You'd want to move the bird, yes. So if we can just get your yes on the survey, I'll mark it down and leave you to your Tuesday.
Bernard Oh, it's Tuesday, is it? I thought it was Thursday, then I corrected myself to Wednesday. Well — I'm very interested, I really am. Sorry to let you go.
Pauline Chaudhry Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking after the chimney they have, warm and lineage-aware.
  2. Explain the replacement chimney as the modern standard for a working flue.
  3. Address the objection: working fine now, but 1884 chimneys weren't built for today.
  4. Ask for the yes: authorise the survey visit and swap.

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