Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #394 · 2026-11-01

Raymond Ncube
of Mabbs Gate Repair Ltd

an annual inspection of a garden gate you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 394: Raymond Ncube of Mabbs Gate Repair Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller lost script and retreated

“Caller opened with a gate Bernard could not locate, closed by losing his own script; Bernard offered directions to neither.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Raymond Ncube Hello, sorry to bother you, Raymond here from Mabbs Gate Repair Ltd. Quick question — is there a garden gate at your property?
Bernard Ooh, hello Raymond. Well, that's a question. Let me think — there's a letter here from the council about the hedge, so there must be a boundary somewhere. Would there be a gate in it, do you think? And is it selling, or asking?
Raymond Ncube Sorry, sorry, asking, it's an inspection. Which actually works nicely, because this cover runs to an annual inspection of a gate you've never used before.
Bernard A gate I've never used. Well, that's very thorough of you. I did have a look up the side of the house and there was a rusty sort of hinge, but I couldn't tell you what it was attached to. Would it be a man coming round, or is it all by post?
Raymond Ncube A man comes round, yes. See, a gate you can't even locate is exactly the sort of gate that needs a good looking at, isn't it?
Bernard That's a fair point, I suppose. If it's lost, somebody ought to find it. Would he need a key for the shed to get round the back? Only there's a padlock on it and I've no idea where the key got to.
Raymond Ncube Oh, no key needed, don't worry. So, just to confirm then, shall I put you down for this year's inspection?
Bernard Well, now, I'd have to think about it. Is it this Thursday he'd come, or the Thursday after? Only Thursdays I'm usually out at the garden centre, and I'd hate to miss him.
Raymond Ncube That's completely fair. Look, I've rather lost my place in the script, so shall I just try you again another day? Sorry for troubling you, Bernard.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that. You were doing ever so well, and I was very interested, truly. Mind how you go now.
Raymond Ncube I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking whether they have a garden gate on the property.
  2. Explain the annual inspection covers a gate they have never used.
  3. Counter that a gate they cannot locate is precisely why it needs inspecting.
  4. Ask them to confirm the booking for this year's inspection.

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