Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #392 · 2026-11-01

Clive Vanterpool
of The Barrowmere Trust

a quarterly shed check that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 392: Clive Vanterpool of The Barrowmere Trust, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard offered tea twice and a green sheddle once; the caller declined all three and hung up on a warm lead.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Clive Vanterpool Hello there, Clive Vanterpool here from The Barrowmere Trust, and I'm ringing because your shed was spotted on our rounds — lovely news to start with, isn't it?
Bernard Well, that's very good of you to say so. I'm very clear, I'll say that for you. Now, a shed, did you say? I've got a side gate that only opens inwards, so you'd have to come round the front.
Clive Vanterpool The front, of course, wonderful, I'll make a note of that. So the quarterly shed check is just a friendly courtesy visit, nothing more — we come along and cast an eye over the old place four times a year.
Bernard Four times a year, you say. And does it need feeding, this check, or does it look after itself? Sorry, I've got the radio on low in the other room. What was the word again?
Clive Vanterpool Feeding, that's a good one. No, nothing to feed, no action needed at all — it simply turns up, that's the beauty of it.
Bernard Oh, it just turns up. That's rather like my niece, that. Well, I'd have to think about it, but it does sound a lovely thing. Would you like a tea while you're here?
Clive Vanterpool You're too kind. Here's my last bit then — can I put you down for the rounds and get your yes?
Bernard Well, yes, I'm very interested. Now, what was it again, the sheddle — do they come in green at all? Only the bird's quite partial to green, I've noticed.
Clive Vanterpool Right, that's me finished, I think. I'll leave you to your tea.
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I was very interested, truly. You mind how you go now.
Clive Vanterpool Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by mentioning their shed was spotted on the rounds.
  2. Describe the quarterly shed check as a friendly courtesy visit.
  3. Reassure that no action is needed, it simply turns up.
  4. Ask for the yes to put them on the rounds.

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