Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #387 · 2026-10-31

Alan Kinsey
of Quigley and Sons, est. 1877

a certificate confirming a greenhouse is in daily use · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
58%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 387: Alan Kinsey of Quigley and Sons, est. 1877, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the certificate came in green; Alan promised to ring back and rang off instead.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Alan Kinsey Hello, sorry to bother you, it's Alan Kinsey from Quigley and Sons, established 1877. I'm ringing about our daily-use certificate — do you have a moment?
Bernard Hold on, let me turn the radio down — there, that's better. Quigley and Sons, you say, 1877, that's a good long stretch, isn't it. Yes, go on then, I've got all the time in the world.
Alan Kinsey Sorry, yes — so the certificate simply confirms on paper what you already know about your daily use of the structure. It's a formal record, nothing more dramatic than that.
Bernard Daily use — of what, sorry? My hearing's not the best on this side. Anyway, a formal record sounds very tidy. What sort of day have you had, Alan, busy?
Alan Kinsey Of the greenhouse, sorry — the certificate just records that it's used every day, which I'm sure you know already. Busy enough, thank you, lots of calls.
Bernard A greenhouse certificate, well I never. Mine's mostly tomato plants and a spider that's been there since spring. Tell me, does it come in green?
Alan Kinsey I know it seems silly to prove what you can see for yourself — the certificate just puts it on record, that's all.
Bernard No, that makes sense, I like things on record. I've a letter from the council about the hedge and I've read it four times. Sillier than yours, I'd say.
Alan Kinsey That's very kind. So if I post the certificate out to you, there's just a small fee — shall I put your name down for one?
Bernard That's very good of you, and I'm very interested, now what was the fee again? Only I'd have to think about it before I put my name to anything.
Alan Kinsey I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by mentioning Quigley and Sons' founding year and long family tradition.
  2. Explain the daily-use greenhouse certificate proves something they already know.
  3. Address the objection that the greenhouse is obviously in use without paperwork.
  4. Ask for the yes by offering to post the certificate for a small fee.

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