Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #386 · 2026-10-31

Fiona Pumphrey
of Bellhouse Loft Boarding Ltd

a quarterly loft dust subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 386: Fiona Pumphrey of Bellhouse Loft Boarding Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, one rocking slab

“Bernard asked whether the subscription wants feeding; caller confirmed it gets on with it by itself, then lost the line to a paving stone.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Fiona Pumphrey Bernard, it's Fiona. Fiona Pumphrey, Bellhouse Loft Boarding. You've got a loft, haven't you — and lofts, well, they gather dust. That's really why I'm ringing.
Bernard Oh, well now, a loft. Yes, there's one up there, though I couldn't tell you the last time I went near it. Fiona, is it? That's a lovely name. Do you have a loft yourself, or do you just visit other people's?
Fiona Pumphrey Bernard, lovely of you. Yes. The quarterly loft dust subscription — that's the thing — it's a tidy, hands-off sort of convenience, someone comes round four times a year and the dust simply stops being your problem.
Bernard Four times a year, is that the fountain sort of thing or the quarterly one? Sorry, the line's a bit — anyway, that sounds very good of you. Does it come in green at all? Only most things I own seem to be green these days.
Fiona Pumphrey It renews itself, Bernard — no forms, no diary, nothing to remember. That's the whole point of it.
Bernard Renews itself, does it? Well, that sounds very restful, nothing to remember. Now, does the dusting want feeding at all, or does it just get on with it by itself?
Fiona Pumphrey It just gets on with it, Bernard — that's the beauty. So shall I start you off with the first quarterly dusting?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, but yes, I'm very interested. Hang on, I've just got to look at the front path — there's a slab out there that rocks something awful when you step on it.
Fiona Pumphrey Bernard, before you go — Bellhouse Loft Boarding, first quarterly visit, that's all it takes and you're in.
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry, I've quite gone blank on it — the slab, you see. You've been very good to ring, and I was very interested, truly. You mind how you go now, and mind the traffic.
Fiona Pumphrey Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they have a loft, and that dust gathers in it.
  2. Explain the quarterly loft dust subscription as a tidy, hands-off convenience.
  3. Reassure them the renewal is automatic, so they never need to think about it.
  4. Ask for the yes by offering to start the first quarterly dusting.

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