Call #385 · 2026-10-31
Audrey Hawea
of The Association of Accredited Coal Bunker Valuers
a bundle of a porch and a padlock · bundle
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no objection, caller lost the bundle and the call
“Bernard offered the caller a cup of something and a safe walk home; caller declined both and hung up on his own script.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Audrey Hawea
Hello, this is Audrey Hawea from The Association of Accredited Coal Bunker Valuers — brilliant, you picked up! I'm just ringing to check you're on our accredited valuer register.
Bernard
Oh, you've caught me in the middle of something, but carry on. The register, is it? I'd have to dig out my glasses for that. What was the name of the association again — the coal what?
Audrey Hawea
Dig away, no rush. So your accreditation now comes with a porch and a padlock bundled together as one package — all part of the deal.
Bernard
A porch, you say. Well now, that's very good of you. Would that be the sort of porch that keeps the wind off? Only my front step gets an awful draught.
Audrey Hawea
That's the sort of porch exactly, lovely bit of feedback. And here's the clever part of the bundle — the padlock, which matters a great deal even before the porch has a door on it.
Bernard
A padlock with no door yet. Hmm. So what's it locking, then — the air? I suppose it'd be handy to have it ready for when the door turns up.
Audrey Hawea
The air, yes — you've got it — it locks the whole arrangement in, so to speak. So let me just grab the yes on the bundle, if I may, as it's not really an optional one.
Bernard
Not optional, is it. Well, I'm very interested, I really am, but I'd have to think on it. Would you like a cup of something while you're on the line?
Audrey Hawea
Oh, that's ever so kind, but I'm already at my desk. So if I could just, um, put you down for the — the valuer thing with the porch and the, the locking bit that isn't... oh, I've rather lost where I was.
Bernard
I'm sorry to hear that — you sounded like you had it all nicely sorted a moment ago. Well, I was very interested, so thank you for thinking of me. Mind the traffic on your way home, won't you.
Audrey Hawea
Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming membership and the accredited valuer register.
- Explain the porch-and-padlock arrangement included with accreditation.
- Address why a padlock matters when the porch has no door yet.
- Ask for the yes on the bundle, noting it is not optional.
Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →