Call #384 · 2026-10-31
Rita Kowalski
of Sandiford Paving
an upgrade to a porch you did not know you had · unknown upgrade
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no porch, no pigeons department
“Bernard offered to feed the porch; caller declined on the grounds that it did not exist.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Rita Kowalski
Rita Kowalski, Sandiford Paving. Quick question — have you ever noticed the porch on your property?
Bernard
Oh, hello there. Well, I'm in the back cupboard, so the porch is a bit of a walk — no, hold on, I'm on the phone, aren't I, sorry. What was it you said about pork?
Rita Kowalski
Paving, Mr Pottle, paving. Sandiford's records say you're already entitled to a porch upgrade. Been entitled for a while, apparently.
Bernard
Paving, right, paving. Well, that's very good of you. I'll have to think about it — oh, is this about the pigeons? Because the chimney pot's full of them and they've made a real mess. Would this entitle-thing help with that?
Rita Kowalski
Can't help with pigeons, that's not our department. But since you say you haven't got a porch — well, I can go ahead and confirm that for you, if you like. It's no trouble.
Bernard
That's kind of you, confirming a porch I haven't got. Now, would I need to build it first, or does it come already built? And would it want feeding, d'you think?
Rita Kowalski
Right. So shall I just get the hidden porch upgrade booked in for this week, then? One quick yes and I'm off your phone.
Bernard
Well, I'm very interested, I am. Now, what was it again — this week? Because my niece comes Thursday, or is it Friday, no, it's Saturday, she's bringing the dog. Could we say a different week?
Rita Kowalski
Honestly? No. This one's not happening, Mr Pottle. You keep your Saturday, and I'll go and find someone who knows where their porch is.
Bernard
Ah, I'm sorry to hear that. I was very interested, truly, and it was lovely to have a chat. You mind how you go now, and mind the weather — it looks like rain.
Rita Kowalski
Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by asking whether they've noticed the porch on their property at all.
- Explain that Sandiford Paving has records of a porch upgrade they're already entitled to.
- Address the objection that they have no porch by offering to confirm it on their behalf.
- Ask if they'd like the hidden porch upgrade booked in this week.
Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →