Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #383 · 2026-10-31

Femi Rossiter
of Trimley and Sons, est. 1902

a certificate confirming a conservatory roof is structurally adequate · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
41%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 383: Femi Rossiter of Trimley and Sons, est. 1902, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no name, no green

“Bernard asked whether the team shaping up was a tournament; the caller withdrew to the post.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Femi Rossiter Hello there, Femi Rossiter from Trimley and Sons, est. 1902 — we're ringing about the conservatory, if I've got the right householder?
Bernard Oh, the conservatory, yes — that's the glass bit out the back. You've got the right house, though I should say the dog's claimed half of it. And who did you say you were with?
Femi Rossiter Quite right, sir, Trimley and Sons — and we're all very pleased with how the team's shaping up this week. The certificate simply confirms what's already holding up nicely up there.
Bernard Holding up nicely, that's good to hear. Mind you, I've never noticed a thing wrong with it — does the certificate say that? And what's this team of yours shaping up for, is it a tournament?
Femi Rossiter Never noticing a thing, sir — that's rather the point, and that's what the certificate puts down in black and white. We'd simply like to add your name to it, and the whole team here would be delighted.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. A certificate with my name on it — should I get my glasses? They're somewhere in the hall. And would this tournament team of yours be wanting tea if they came round?
Femi Rossiter No tea, no glasses, no bother at all, sir — the team here just need a yes to put your name on the paperwork. Shall we?
Bernard Oh, well, now. I'd have to think about it — it's not every day a name goes on a certificate. Does it come in green? The conservatory gets terribly hot, you see, and I'm wondering how it'd get on with the bird.
Femi Rossiter Honestly, sir, I'll be candid with the team here — I'm not sure where we are on the green now. We'll set it all out in writing and put that through to you, and that's where we'll leave it.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, after you'd been so good as to ring. I was very interested, truly. You mind the traffic on the way home, now.
Femi Rossiter I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the householder with the conservatory.
  2. Explain the certificate simply confirms the roof already holding up.
  3. Dismiss the obvious objection: they have never noticed a problem, that is the point.
  4. Ask for the yes by offering to put their name on it.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →