Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #38 · 2026-10-20

Gareth Bellhouse
of Pinnock Vale Domestic Curiosities

a loft insulation top-up for a bungalow · insulation upgrade

27
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, airing cupboard unresolved

“Caller admitted an hour in that he does not know what an airing cupboard is; customer offered biscuits and a route round the back.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gareth Bellhouse Good evening, this is Gareth Bellhouse calling from Pinnock Vale Domestic Curiosities — and I'll be quick, is that the owner of a single-storey property I'm speaking to?
Bernard Oh — hello there. Yes, that's me, bungalow, all on the one level. Well, apart from the step down to the garden, but that's more of a slope really. Are you keeping warm enough out there?
Gareth Bellhouse I'm keeping nicely warm, thank you. And that's great news, because the energy-saving potential of topping up a loft is really quite remarkable — and yours, being a bungalow, is so easy to reach.
Bernard A loft, you say. Now — is that the little room above the ceiling? Only I've never been up there, I don't think there's anything up there at all. Mavis would have a fit if strangers started climbing about.
Gareth Bellhouse Right, well, that's exactly why we do a meticulous survey first — we go up into that space above the ceiling, since it's completely empty, and map every inch before anyone touches anything. Mavis needn't worry at all.
Bernard Oh, that's very thorough of you. Does the surveyor need feeding, do you think? Only I'd put the kettle on, and I've got some of those nice biscuits with the currants in.
Gareth Bellhouse Very kind, but no feeding required — and here's the firm part, the price for the full insulation upgrade comes to sixty-five dollars, all in, no ladder needed at any point.
Bernard Sixty-five, you say. Now, is that the whole lot, or per whatsit? And — oh — come round the back, the front gate sticks in the damp.
Gareth Bellhouse That's the whole lot, not per anything, I promise. So what I'd like to do is book the surveyor in — say this week, for that roof space with no access.
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it — but that's very good of you. Just one thing, they won't be going up a ladder, you said. So how do they get in, through the hatch in the airing cupboard?
Gareth Bellhouse Honestly? I've been at this an hour and I don't even know what an airing cupboard is — look, just say yes to the survey and we'll sort the rest out on the day. So, shall I put you down?
Bernard You've been at it an hour? You poor thing. Look, put me down, and if Mavis starts shouting, it's only her wanting her dinner. D'you know, I had the kettle on at half three and forgot it entirely.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open warmly, confirm he owns a single-storey property.
  2. Praise the energy-saving potential of insulating a loft that isn't there.
  3. Describe the meticulous survey of an empty space above the ceiling.
  4. Quote a surprisingly firm figure for work requiring no ladder.
  5. Offer to book the surveyor in for a roof that has no access.
  6. Close by wishing him a cosy, entirely ground-level winter.

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