Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #39 · 2026-10-20

Deborah Kinsey
of Netherby Combe Household Assurances

a quarterly inspection of a garden shed's feelings · shed welfare plan

24
Minutes on the line
61%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, one chair promised, parrot informed

“Caller secured gate access and a green folding chair; shed not yet consulted on either.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Deborah Kinsey Good evening! Deborah Kinsey here from Netherby Combe Household Assurances — and I'll be quick, because I just need to confirm one thing. Do you own a shed, sir? Any shed at all?
Bernard Oh, well — hello! A shed, yes, I've got one at the bottom of the garden, bit of a lean to it. Mind you, it's more of a shelter for Mavis than anything. She's my parrot. Do you have a shed yourself, Deborah?
Deborah Kinsey A parrot, how lovely. Now, the inspection visits happen quarterly, sir — four times a year, whether or not you're home at the time. That's the core of the plan.
Bernard Quarterly, right you are. Four times — that's more than the bin men, isn't it. And they'd come in even if I've popped out? I'm often out in the garden, or fiddling with the radio. Should I leave the gate unlatched?
Deborah Kinsey That's right, they'll come in regardless, and yes, unlatching the gate would help enormously. The inspector will also have a sit-down with the shed and simply ask how it's coping.
Bernard Well, that's very thorough of them. Does the shed talk back? Only mine creaks something dreadful in the wind, and I'd hate for it to be rude. Mavis would be fascinated either way.
Deborah Kinsey Creaks are perfectly normal, I hear that a lot. And I want to reassure you that weeping hinges are completely normal too — fully covered under the shed welfare plan, no extra charge for the tears.
Bernard Weeping hinges — now there's a thing. I thought that was just the damp getting in. Same as my knee, really, it tells me when it's going to rain. You're very good to cover it. Is there a form, or does the shed just weep quietly?
Deborah Kinsey No form needed, it weeps quietly. I'll be quick, sir — there's a discounted rate available if your shed has never held a lawnmower at any point. Has it?
Bernard Never held one, no — my old mower lived in the garage and it gave up years ago, never replaced it. So that's the discount, is it? Very good of you. Now what was the figure, roughly — in the imaginary sense, of course.
Deborah Kinsey The rate's imaginary, so let's say forty dollars a quarter and not trouble ourselves further. Now, last thing — could you leave a chair inside the shed for the inspector?
Bernard A chair, right you are. I've got a little folding one, green it is — does the colour matter? And will the inspector want a cup of tea while they're sitting with the shed?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming she owns a shed, any shed at all.
  2. Explain the inspection visits occur quarterly whether or not she is home.
  3. Mention the inspector will ask the shed how it is coping.
  4. Reassure her that weeping hinges are normal and fully covered.
  5. Offer a discounted rate if the shed has never held a lawnmower.
  6. Close by asking her to leave a chair inside for the inspector.

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