Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #377 · 2026-10-31

Clive Petley
of Pellow Garth Continuity Bureau

a fortnightly shed check that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 377: Clive Petley of Pellow Garth Continuity Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew unilaterally

“Bernard offered the caller tea and a tin of unopened pantry goods; the caller offered escalation to a colleague and then the afternoon.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Clive Petley Good afternoon, this is Clive Petley from the Pellow Garth Continuity Bureau, and we're ringing to confirm we've reached the householder with the shed.
Bernard Oh, you have, yes, that's me. Well, I'd have to check on the shed itself, only the side gate's gone stiff again and it only opens inwards, so it's a bit of a squeeze. Are you ringing about the shed, then?
Clive Petley That's the one, Bernard, and we're delighted, because the fortnightly shed check arrives unbidden as a courtesy of the Bureau. It simply turns up, no asking, no fuss.
Bernard Unbidden, you say? That's a new one on me, I thought you'd want a key or something. So it just arrives, does it — and would that be a Tuesday, do you think?
Clive Petley Here's the thing — nobody asked, and that's rather the beauty of it. Unrequested vigilance is the highest form, and the whole floor agrees now I'm team leader.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you, I must say. Unrequested, and there's the tin in the pantry nobody's opened in years, so it's not just sheds that get neglected. Will the person need a cup of tea when they come?
Clive Petley Tea's a lovely thought, Bernard, and honestly you're a credit to the neighbourhood. Now, just to confirm the yes so we can keep the fortnightly visits coming?
Bernard Yes, well, I'm very interested, only I've left my glasses somewhere and I wanted to write the day down. Was it fortnightly, or did you say Thursdays?
Clive Petley Fortnightly, that's every other week — and if it helps, we can escalate it to a colleague who'd walk you through the days. We're all behind you on this one.
Bernard Oh, there's no need to trouble a colleague. You've been very good to ring, and I'm sorry to hear you've given up on it — I really was interested, you know. Mind the traffic on the way home.
Clive Petley Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the householder at the property with the shed.
  2. Explain the fortnightly shed check arrives unbidden as a courtesy of the Bureau.
  3. Address the objection that nobody asked for it by praising unrequested vigilance.
  4. Ask for the yes to keep the fortnightly visits coming.

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