Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #375 · 2026-10-31

Ieuan Tallentire
of Gaskell Brothers, est. 1846

a replacement for a radiator that is not broken · needless replacement

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15
Minutes on the line
11%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller retired himself

“Bernard asked whether the radiator gets a card or just a few words; Ieuan left the squirrel and the ceremony to a colleague.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Ieuan Tallentire Hello, Ieuan Tallentire here, Gaskell Brothers, established 1846. Am I speaking with whoever handles the building's heating?
Bernard Oh, hello! Yes, that'd be me — there's only me here, so I suppose the heating's mine by default. Are you warm enough where you're sitting, Ieuan? It's turned quite raw out.
Ieuan Tallentire Right, well, a good radiator that's served you faithfully deserves retirement before it fails on its own terms. It's not a criticism of the radiator, you understand.
Bernard Retirement, you say? Well, that's very good of you, thinking of it that way. My old dad worked till he was seventy and nobody offered him a send-off. Does it need a card, this arrangement, or do I just say a few words?
Ieuan Tallentire I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow. It isn't a question of its fault, Bernard — the goods have simply done their duty, which is policy point four, subsection two.
Bernard Policy point four, yes, I see. Now, what was that word again — did you say duty? Only I had a dog called Duty once, no, that's not right, it was Daisy. Funny how they come back to you.
Ieuan Tallentire Sorry, I've lost my place — bear with me. Subsection two, goods having given good service, retiring in line with the like-for-like schedule.
Bernard Take your time, no rush at all. Like-for-like, you said — so it would be the same shape in the corner there? I only ask because there's a squirrel that's worked out the bird feeder, and I don't want him getting any ideas.
Ieuan Tallentire That's correct, same shape, and — sorry, was that a squirrel. Right. Yes. It's not about the failure, it's about honouring the one that's already given so much.
Bernard Honouring it, that's nicely put. It's been a good old thing, never a peep out of it in all these years. Would there be a little ceremony, do you think, or do they take it away quietly?
Ieuan Tallentire I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you are speaking to whoever handles the building's heating.
  2. Explain that the current radiator has served well, so offer it retirement before failure.
  3. Address the objection that it is not broken by praising its service, not its fault.
  4. Ask whether they will authorise the like-for-like replacement before the cold season.

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