Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #374 · 2026-10-31

Jean Gaskell
of The National Council of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners

a certificate confirming a drain is structurally adequate · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 374: Jean Gaskell of The National Council of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the certificate needed feeding; the caller blamed the line and hung up on a full signal.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Jean Gaskell Jean Gaskell, from The National Council of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners — sorry to bother you, it's about your drain.
Bernard Oh, the drain. Well, you've caught me in the middle of something, but carry on — I've just been up to my elbows in that kitchen drawer full of instructions. Never thrown one away in my life. Now, what's the drain done?
Jean Gaskell Sorry, sorry — nothing's wrong with it, that's the whole point. The certificate just confirms the drain you've already got is structurally adequate, in writing, on nice paper, for the cupboard.
Bernard Structural whatsit — right you are. And it goes in the cupboard, you say? Only I've got a bird, and she gets into everything, so paper's a bit of a risk. What was that word again — adequate?
Jean Gaskell Adequate, yes — structurally adequate. And it likely already qualifies, so there's no work needed at all, honestly, you needn't do a thing. Sorry, is this coming out right?
Bernard Oh, that's marvellous, no work needed — my favourite sort of work. It's coming out beautifully, don't you fret. And is it just the one drain, or does the whole house count together? Only I've never been sure how many I've got.
Jean Gaskell Just the one's fine, one's plenty. So shall I put you down for a yes and issue the certificate today?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. It's very good of you to offer, though. Can I ask — does it need feeding at all? Only I'm hopeless with things that need feeding. *— I mean the certificate, of course.
Jean Gaskell No feeding, no watering, nothing like that. It's purely a bit of confirmation, that's all — so, a yes, then?
Bernard You're very patient with me. Tell you what, I'll have a proper think — but you've been ever so good. Is there anything in this for you, Jean? You sound like you've had a long day of it.
Jean Gaskell I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as a licensed examiner and ask about their drain.
  2. Explain the certificate confirms structural adequacy of a drain they already own.
  3. Reassure them the drain likely already qualifies, no work needed.
  4. Ask for their yes to issue the certificate today.

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