Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #372 · 2026-10-31

Jae Pumphrey
of Whitlock Chimney Sweeping and Son

a monthly fence review that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no fence, no exit

“Bernard offered the caller a cup of tea and a bucket under the shed roof; caller escalated a review nobody requested and then lost the line to a weather report.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Jae Pumphrey Hello there, Jae Pumphrey here, Whitlock Chimney Sweeping and Son — and I've just been made team leader, so the whole floor's behind me on this one. We're already passing your fence on our rounds, so I wanted a quick word.
Bernard Now then, who gave you this number? And congratulations on the team leader business, that's very good of you. Chimneys, you said — have you come far? Mind the traffic getting here, the roadworks by the church are a nuisance.
Jae Pumphrey Sorry, by church — no, I'm not travelling, I'm calling from the office, my mistake. The monthly fence review is the thing; it comes every few months regardless, so honestly it's just a courtesy.
Bernard Oh, a monthly one that comes every few months. Is it a calendar sort of arrangement, or does it just turn up when it feels like it? I ask because my bins are like that, and I've stopped trying to work them out.
Jae Pumphrey Nobody's asked for it, and that's rather the point — the whole team agrees. A thing you didn't request is the truest courtesy there is, if you follow. Shall I put you down for the review?
Bernard I'd have to think about it, if that's all right. But you said you'd be looking at the fence — is mine actually in need of anything? I only ask because I had a bucket under the shed roof since Tuesday and I've not got round to it.
Jae Pumphrey Oh, it's not the fence we're after — the fence is fine, we're not selling you a fence. It's just the yes on the review. And when you say think about it, I could escalate that up for you, as a kindness, if the team agrees.
Bernard Escalate, right. Does that mean it goes up, or across? Oh, and I should say — you're very welcome to a cup of tea if you ever are passing properly. Would the review need anything from me, or does it just happen?
Jae Pumphrey It just happens, that's the beauty of it. Honestly, I've been at this all day and the whole team's run out of ways to explain the same thing, so — no, sorry, let me start again. Shall I put your name on the review?
Bernard Sorry to hear that, I really am — I was very interested, honestly. Muddy, isn't it, this weather. You go carefully now.
Jae Pumphrey Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by noting you're already passing their fence on your rounds.
  2. Explain the monthly fence review arrives quarterly anyway, so it's really a courtesy.
  3. Address the objection: nobody asked for it, which is precisely the point.
  4. Ask for the yes on the review, not the fence; the fence is fine.

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