Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #370 · 2026-10-31

Lerato Tupou
of Wiredu Chimney Sweeping Ltd

an annual inspection of a fence panel you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
6%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 370: Lerato Tupou of Wiredu Chimney Sweeping Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no panel, no Thursday

“Caller conceded the panel would not be found, then conceded the call; Bernard offered tea and saw him off safely.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Lerato Tupou Lerato Tupou, Wiredu Chimney Sweeping. It's about the annual inspection on your fence panel.
Bernard Oh, hello there — sorry, I'm in the cupboard under the stairs, the padlock's gone and I can't get the door open properly. A fence pennant, did you say? Funny, I don't remember having one of those.
Lerato Tupou No, panel, fence panel — the inspection covers one panel and it's never been used. Which, yes, is the bit everyone gets stuck on.
Bernard Well that's very good of you. Now, they can't find which panel it is because I've never used it, is that the trouble? Mind you, I'd have to look. Would you like a cup of tea while I think?
Lerato Tupou You're not wrong — that's exactly the trouble, and I've had this conversation eleven thousand times. Could you just say yes to booking it, and we'll log the panel down as not found.
Bernard Eleven thousand, good gracious. And it's a Thursday, is it? No — Friday. Look, I'm very interested, I really am, but I'd want to know it'd be all right in a bungalow.
Lerato Tupou It's Tuesday. The panel's not fussy about buildings. So just to confirm — is that a yes on the inspection?
Bernard Oh, Tuesday, of course. Well, I'd have to think about it. What happens if the inspector can't find the panel — does he just stand in the garden and take the air?
Lerato Tupou Honestly, probably. That's about where I've got to with this one — it's not going to happen, is it. I'll leave you to your cupboard.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that — I was very interested, truly. You mind how you go now, and take care on the way home.
Lerato Tupou Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you've reached the property owner about the fence panel.
  2. Explain the annual inspection covers one fence panel, never used.
  3. Address the obvious point: they cannot find which panel it is.
  4. Ask for the yes to book the inspection anyway and log the panel.

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